Cougars? A Collective Roar
Is it just me? Or are there scores of single, middle-aged women out there (and by middle-aged I really mean any woman 35 and over) who enjoy being labeled a Cougar? Because the way the word is tossed about so freely these days, one would think it has a resounding Every-Woman Seal-of-Approval.
Well, not this woman. I may be an unattached female in her 40's, often distastefully referred to as "on the market" (translation: I wouldn't turn down a date with the right guy). I have even entertained the notion, should the opportunity present itself, of dating a younger man. BAM!
That's all it takes to raise society's eyebrows and stamp the word "Cougar" across my forehead in the imaginary social register. As though I am some skulking feline, ready to pounce on my unsuspecting prey.
If there's an equivalent term for an older man dating a younger woman then I haven't heard it. "Sugar Daddy" comes to mind, but it doesn't reek with condescension or contempt like so many labels for women. "Spinster" for example, or "slut."
Making matters worse, the term lately seems to be spreading to include any single woman of a certain age who's not in a relationship, irregardless of whether she is stalking said younger man or not. As if crow's feet and the looming threat of perimenopausal mood shifts weren't trouble enough, now I have to worry what the neighbors will think because I dare to leave my regular Friday night Netflix and pint of Haagen-Dazs to venture out for a drink with a friend? And God forbid I wear earrings (Gasp!), and makeup, or (Oh, no!), maybe even heels?
Women "past their prime" are taken to task if we let ourselves go, or we don't stay in shape, or we don't go out and get a life in the wake of a failed relationship. But when we do take care of ourselves we are labeled "Cougars." There is something raw and insidious being implied here, a penalty for having the nerve to be middle-aged and looking good.
And it seems to me, though I could be wrong about this, that women deemed unattractive are rarely called Cougars. Is this because it is assumed they have accepted their station in life and there is no need to punish them with condescending sexual innuendo? How equally insulting.
Cougars are sleek, beautiful, graceful animals. And while I admire that immensely, I am not fooled for one second into thinking the word is meant to be a compliment when it is applied to women.
What do you think? Does the term bother you on any level, or have you not given it a second thought? Let me know. Because it occurs to me that, by our collective silence, women everywhere are sending the message that it's okay to call us Cougars, that maybe we're even a little amused by the term.
But it's not okay. So I am filing my one-woman protest right here, right now, and hoping it grows from a single voice into many, a tidal wave. One huge collective roar.
I'll have more to say on what I think about a lot of things in the weeks and months to come. I'd love to hear from women (and men) everywhere. So thanks for stopping by and please stay tuned...
First, thanks for stopping by my blog.
Although I described myself as a "cougar," it was meant more tongue-in-cheek than anything. I hate the word too.
You live in one of my favorite places that I've visited. The Vineyard and Nantucket. I would love to hear the story as to how & why you went from being a Jersey Girl (although once a JG, always) to a Vineyard resident.
Posted by: Jersey Girl | May 11, 2009 at 07:12 PM
Hi there! First a quick thank you for coming by Twists and following my story.
I'm sure since you said you've been following silently for a while you read my post about me and my fellow "cougars". We're a small group of 4 friends of reasonably the same 40ish age but in various stages of relationships. I'm the married one - to a wonderful man 1 year younger. Next is Nichelle, not married but in a long-term loving relationship and expecting a child, then Ruth Ann divorced and dating one man, and then Sherri, who looks 30 and is dating a 30something fella. She actually likes being called a cougar because after a marriage that ended badly it's only her second relationship and she is totally blown away.
I don't think any of us are using this term disparagingly. None of us are offended by it and would hope that our playfulness with the word wouldn't offend anyone either.
These are my girls and they are a huge part of my support system and recovery!
I hope to see you again on Twists and will visit you here again as well.
Posted by: Kari-Mel | May 12, 2009 at 01:20 PM