"Like You Breathe"
Lie is such a harsh, cringe-inducing word. When my ex and I went through the long process of unraveling our marriage, I wrote a lot of poetry. It was a great way to get out the pain, sadness, and anger. I always told him I was going to put the poems together into a book and title it "You Lie Like You Breathe."
Because he did. Lied without thinking or planning, and certainly without purpose. As though it was just something his brain and body did for him. Like blinking. Or breathing.
I never understood it. Why lie about something when you know you'll be found out? Why lie about incidental bullshit? Really, and more to the point, why lie? It was almost as if he couldn't stop himself, as if it was beyond his control.
Truth is important to me. "You'll never get in real trouble from me if you tell the truth." I repeated this to my children all the time when they were young. But that didn't stop my son.
He lied as a preschooler. No, really, he swore, he didn't make the baby cry or mess up his toys, when clearly he had. I didn't think too much of it till he was older and started lying frequently about schoolwork. He'd tell me his homework was done when it wasn't, or that he didn't have any when he did. He'd swear he hadn't gotten his grade back yet on a test when he had, or that there was no test that week when there was.
Eventually he was always found out. Again, I didn't get it. Was the momentary reprieve that lying resulted in worth the mess he inevitably had to deal with when his teachers and I made contact, or the report card arrived in the mail.
He didn't lie about too much else. It was more like a matter of convenience, a way to delay my finding out things that were going to mess up his plans to play video games after dinner, instead of studying. He seemed sincerely upset and contrite when he was caught, but it kept happening, and over time I didn't know what to believe.
I started to seriously consider that this lying might be genetic, or at least have a genetic component. It might sound crazy, but scientific studies have suggested over the years that many aspects of personality, such as temperament, for example, and shyness, are probably gene-related, .
Doesn't it make sense then, that lying might be as well? I see it almost like a genetic addiction, akin to being susceptible to drugs or alcohol.
First-Born Son and I have talked about this over the years. He remembers lying to his friends as a kid about completely random and ridiculous things, and for no apparent reason. Almost like a compulsion. He has no idea why.
These days, he seems to have it much better controlled. To his credit, he sees it for the weakness it is, and appears dedicated to battling the impulse. He understands that even if some study proved lying was genetic, that would not be an excuse to give in to the behavior.
At least, that's what he says. I think I believe him, but I realize by now that he is so good at it he can even fool himself.
And that's the real problem, isn't it? Lying eats away at trust. At its worst, it is capable of destroying relationships.
What do you think? Did you ever find yourself lying for no reason? Do you have a spouse, a parent, or a child who who seems to do it without thinking?
Maybe, like my ex, there are a lot of people who "lie like they breathe." Maybe they truly don't know how to stop themselves. But that doesn't make it okay.
Because he did. Lied without thinking or planning, and certainly without purpose. As though it was just something his brain and body did for him. Like blinking. Or breathing.
I never understood it. Why lie about something when you know you'll be found out? Why lie about incidental bullshit? Really, and more to the point, why lie? It was almost as if he couldn't stop himself, as if it was beyond his control.
Truth is important to me. "You'll never get in real trouble from me if you tell the truth." I repeated this to my children all the time when they were young. But that didn't stop my son.
He lied as a preschooler. No, really, he swore, he didn't make the baby cry or mess up his toys, when clearly he had. I didn't think too much of it till he was older and started lying frequently about schoolwork. He'd tell me his homework was done when it wasn't, or that he didn't have any when he did. He'd swear he hadn't gotten his grade back yet on a test when he had, or that there was no test that week when there was.
Eventually he was always found out. Again, I didn't get it. Was the momentary reprieve that lying resulted in worth the mess he inevitably had to deal with when his teachers and I made contact, or the report card arrived in the mail.
He didn't lie about too much else. It was more like a matter of convenience, a way to delay my finding out things that were going to mess up his plans to play video games after dinner, instead of studying. He seemed sincerely upset and contrite when he was caught, but it kept happening, and over time I didn't know what to believe.
I started to seriously consider that this lying might be genetic, or at least have a genetic component. It might sound crazy, but scientific studies have suggested over the years that many aspects of personality, such as temperament, for example, and shyness, are probably gene-related, .
Doesn't it make sense then, that lying might be as well? I see it almost like a genetic addiction, akin to being susceptible to drugs or alcohol.
First-Born Son and I have talked about this over the years. He remembers lying to his friends as a kid about completely random and ridiculous things, and for no apparent reason. Almost like a compulsion. He has no idea why.
These days, he seems to have it much better controlled. To his credit, he sees it for the weakness it is, and appears dedicated to battling the impulse. He understands that even if some study proved lying was genetic, that would not be an excuse to give in to the behavior.
At least, that's what he says. I think I believe him, but I realize by now that he is so good at it he can even fool himself.
And that's the real problem, isn't it? Lying eats away at trust. At its worst, it is capable of destroying relationships.
What do you think? Did you ever find yourself lying for no reason? Do you have a spouse, a parent, or a child who who seems to do it without thinking?
Maybe, like my ex, there are a lot of people who "lie like they breathe." Maybe they truly don't know how to stop themselves. But that doesn't make it okay.
You could have been describing Darling Daughter as you described your son. I don't get it, I really don't. And, like you, I *think* she's getting better about it, but I can't be sure, because she is so very, very good at it.
Posted by: Jan | August 03, 2009 at 09:25 AM
I loved this post. It is a huge issue in my life. My son lies all the time. Like you said, to delay the inevitable.
To some degree i understand it. My husband does not take errors well. He overreacts when things go wrong. Considering his reaction, I can see how my son might lie to avoid the blow ups.
I lie to my mom all the time. Always have. she suffers from several personality and mental disorders, asks questions that are none of her buisness, and has absolutely no sense of boundaries. the lies are all I have to keep her at bay. That plus the 3,000 miles of ocean between us.
Posted by: Pseudo | August 03, 2009 at 10:50 AM
I have known some people like this, luckily not in my family. The people I have known have also been out of bounds intelligent. In their cases, I believe that it doesn't feel like lying. I believe it feels to them as though their internal wish for a set of facts is so compelling that that wish feels true. But still so harmful in personal life. In business life, honestly, these people can be the best entrepreneurs, because they believe to be true what everyone else tells them they can't do. Thought-provoking post.
Posted by: LPC | August 03, 2009 at 11:19 AM
I can almost-honestly say that I almost-never lie. . . that's because I can't remember, but I may have told a single un-truth in the past ten years. . .
But my teenage daughters? They lie without thinking.
Is is the age? The time? Their fear that I know too much???
Posted by: lizspin | August 03, 2009 at 08:40 PM
I don't like to dissappoint, so sometimes I bend the truth... a little. But it's usually done to prevent hurting. Small things. Never anything big.
But my ex was leading a double life, and his world became consumed by the lies. And he wasn't able to track what lies went where and they unraveled...and his life with it.
We are still friends (I'm weak and he IS boo's dad) but when he tells me things, important things...I look deep into his eyes to see if I truly believe what he is saying. I know it hurts him that I have to do this, but I CAN tell. He's not much of an actor, and the eyes always give it away.
Great thought provoking post! And I love the title...that you could build a book or poem on.
Posted by: Nancy McDonnell | August 03, 2009 at 10:16 PM
I was a big liar as a child. Well, I don't remember lying to anyone other than my parents (convincing my sisters that I was a Celestial Being and not human doesn't count, does it??) but I lied to them all the time. Always to keep myself out of trouble. And I always got in deeper trouble for lying than for whatever I had or had not done. I remember the anxiety, the lead ball in my gut when I decided that I needed to 'fess up. It always felt good to expose my lie, even though I knew I would pay the price.
I don't know when the change happened, but now I do not lie. It is never necessary to lie and I pride myself on my honesty.
Just bounced over from the Women's Colony. :)
Posted by: Violet | August 10, 2009 at 01:50 PM