Warning: This Post May Be Sexually Explicit

 

The FACTS of Life

How do you talk to your kids, if you have any, about sex?

I thought, when First-Born Son was small, that I'd done a pretty good job. He'd been through my pregnancies with both his younger sisters before age seven. I'd read him the books and answered his questions without providing too much extra information. I was sure I'd covered all the age-appropriate material, and no doubt qualified for some type of major award in the Parenting Hall of Fame.

But then, in the middle of 2nd grade, I was looking through his backpack for the inevitable missing notices and homework assignments, when I found a note.

It had apparently been passed back and forth between him and his friend, let's call her Jezebel Rhonda.

"Yes," it read, "I would like to have sex with you too. But I think maybe it would work better if you could sleep over."

Okay. What to do?

I made a cup of herbal tea, put on some Mozart, and sat down to think. Oh wait, that must have been Julia Roberts or Susan Serandon in one of the many movies out there showcasing the perfect parent.

But me? I ranted and raved and threw First-Born Son up against the wall with a 150 watt spotlight aimed at his face.

No. Not really. Fortunately for him, he was at Sunday School at the time (I know, ironic, right?), and I had an hour to mull things over.

That's when common sense hit me over the head with a big hammer, and I realized he obviously had no idea what he was talking about.

But how could he not? We'd gone over this, and I'm fairly sure he'd even aced the quiz.

When he got home, I sat him down and showed him the note. He looked sheepish, but not at all embarrassed.

"Honey," I said, "do you know what sex is?"

He rolled his eyes but did not, to his credit, say the word duh.

"Okay, tell me what it is."

He sighed, like I was a three-year old, trying his patience. "It's when you lie down with someone you like and you kiss and hug."

Not bad, I thought. Except for the part where you're naked, and that little detail about the penis-in-the-vagina. Oh, and most important, how you have to be at least 30 and own your own home.

I proceeded to re-enlighten him regarding the few small facts he'd forgotten. When we got to the whole penis-in-the-vagina thing, the shock and horror displayed on his face was all the proof I needed that he hadn't had a clue.

"So you understand why you and Rhonda shouldn't be talking about, or writing about, having sex?  And that it's not your place to explain to Rhonda, or anyone, what sex really is? You just tell her to talk to her mom."

My son nodded solemnly.

It may not have been the first time we had a conversation something like this, and it sure as hell wasn't the last. But it was the time I fully realized that some some parenting lessons bear repeating. Over and over again.

We ended our little discussion and moved on with the rest of the evening: dinner and homework for him; valium and vodka for me.

Life goes on.

 

Comments

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

Oh Maureen, I commend you. I am so not looking forward to that talk.

I remember when my dad and I had "the talk". We were riding in the car on a trip to my grandmas. Totally awkward.

[Nancy]

This year for summer camp there was a form that I had to sign that asked if my daughter had started menustrating. If so, when? And if not, does she know about it.

It was the first door opened onto this whole new realm of converstion.
God help me.

I'll jsut call you for advice!
:-)

[Uppity]

I hope you weren't around when it dawned on him that YOU must have done that whole penis-in-vagina thing... Shock and horror, indeed!

[Casey]

I dread those conversations and would have probably flipped my lid if I had found that note. Nicely handled by you!

[Jen on the Edge]

We've been pretty laid back about the birds and the bees. If the girls ask a question, we answer that part and might or might not go into further detail, depending on the question and the age of the child. And, as the topic comes up, or is alluded to, in our family conversations, we deal with it and move on like it's not a big deal.

Inside, of course, I'm cringing, but I am trying to pass myself off as calm and relaxed.

[Jan]

Yeah, all the sex talk is rather awkward - and my kids always chose the most inopportune moments to ask me about it. Like in the middle of the grocery store (thank you very much for THAT, Young One). Like you, though, I always tried to maintain at least a facade of calm about it.

I had to laugh at Uppity's comment - I remember one of my best friends, who is the mother of four (and that's an important point), calling me while laughing hysterically when her oldest was about 12 or so. She thought it was appropriate that her daughter watch a show about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases; when it was over her daughter looked very solemnly at her and said, "Mom, I'm so glad YOU never really had a chance to catch something like that."

"Oh? Why do you say that?"

"Well, you've only had sex four times."

[Erin]

I remember a similar thing when my child was quaking with fear to tell me that a girl in first grade tried to kiss him.
Having those conversations w/out the dad to chime in have been interesting, but am thankful all of that is out of the way...
Nowadays, I just have to say "don't be a dumbass", and that about covers any further sex talk.

[LPC]

At least you found the note:). Said as a perpetual optimist...

[Jane]

I'm with LPC. I'm so glad you found the note so you could "set him straight." And you did it with such grace. Good job, Mom!

[Simon Mwangi Muthiora]

well got no child but must admit am learning. he or she is on the way amd am now warned of what to expect in a few years time. have loved this space very educative

[Sprite's Keeper]

Hee hee, this reminds me of when I was in fifth grade talking to a friend over the phone. My mom walked into the room as I was telling my friend about what a snowjob someone had done to someone else, I didn't know what I was talking about then, I had heard it somewhere. My mom thought I had said another kind of JOB and grabbed that phone from my hand so quickly, I thought SHE knew what a snowjob was and it was a bad bad thing..

[Kathryn]

Great post! The "Mom-Poker-Face" is haaaard. Little do they know that we're basically freaking out inside. I always try to be uber-casual about the subject, but da boys won't even go there...I get the eyeroll and the "Mommmmm!"

[joanharvest]

That was a really funny and sweet story. I remember those days all too well. I once found my son, 4 years old at the time, and the little girl next door naked on my front steps. Awkward!!! We had to have a long talk over that.

[Kimberly]

Oh, that's so cute. I'm sure he's mortified that you posted this, but it was fun nontheless. :)

As quickly as a lot of kids these grow up, 2nd grade is still pretty innocent. I had a little boy last year (who sounded like minnie mouse)who came mid year. He fell in love with one of my little girls (a selective mute). About a week or so into his time with us it was dismissal time and as he hugged me goodbye he said, "Do you think I could get Danica's phone number. I'd like to invite her over to spend the night." Oh, 7 year olds....

[Rosemary]

Ah, how well I remember this one--and the talk I had with each boy after the "special movie" was shown in health class at School One.

Not to mention the look in their big brown eyes once I got to the pay-off. . .

Love, R