At A Loss (part one)

The following story will be told over the next two posts.

 

Daughter #2 was born hearing impaired.

We had no idea of this at the time. All I knew was that her cry was the most high-pitched, piercing sound I had ever heard.  I was a pediatric nurse and she was my third child; I knew my newborn cries (I later learned this cry is common in newborns with hearing loss).

As she grew, we would lean in, cup our hand to her ear, and murmur, "Sssp-ssp-ssp," like we were telling her a secret. We called it the "Whisper Game," and I'd played it with all my kids. They loved it, and eventually, at about a year, leaned over to "whisper" a secret back to me.

D #2 did the same thing. Except she merely opened and closed her tiny lips, never uttering a sound. Foolishly, I found this quirky and adorable, not realizing she wasn't making the whisper sound because she couldn't hear it.

"That baby looks at your face so intently when you speak," my mother would say. Of course; she was trying to read our lips, attempting to make sense of the jumbled sounds she was able to hear.

I should've known. My two older children had spoken several words by the time they turned one and were chattering away by two.

There is a video of D #2 on Easter, only weeks before her second birthday. She picks up a candy egg and says "num-num." And I nearly erupt with joy. "Do you hear that? She said num-num," I inform the camera. "She means candy!"

That video will never be easy for me to watch.

Thinking maybe she just needed speech therapy like her cousins, I took her for an evaluation. Part of this was a routine audiological screening.

It was anything but routine. I held her while the audiologist directed sounds through speakers into our soundproof booth. As they grew higher in frequency, D #2 sat in my lap, thumb in her mouth, oblivious.

There was shock, guilt, sadness. Not necessarily in that order.

But other people took it harder than I did.  As an RN I knew what was out there: brain tumors, cancer, diabetes, cerebral palsy...

Hearing loss? We could do that.

I got her enrolled in a special school for kids with speech and hearing issues. I wove multi-colored friendship bracelets to clip her hearing aids onto the collar of her clothing with so they wouldn't get lost. I learned to use my stethoscope to test her aids and batteries each morning. Taught the babysitter, The Ex, and First-Born Son how to put them in and turn them on.

The first time she cupped her hand against my ear and "whispered"  to me with real "sssp-ssp-ssp" sounds, I nearly cried with relief. With her aids, her hearing was almost normal. Other kids at her school were not nearly so lucky.

My mother was appalled whenever I put her hair in ponytails. "But then everyone will see her hearing aids," she complained. "Don't you want to hide them?"

"She wears hearing aids," I said. "This is her life. If we don't accept it, how will she?"

More next post...

Comments

[class factotum]

I want to go back in time and slap your mother for wanting to hide the deafness. She was ashamed? Of her granddaughter's deafness?

Deafness (or hearing loss) can be fixed. Deafness can be overcome. She should have been dancing for joy that it was deafness and not any of the other things you listed. Hearing loss is an inconvenience, not a death sentence.

I am hoping she came around.

You are quite the storyteller, aren't you? Leaving us with the cliffhanger? Have you been reading Dickens? :)

[Jan]

The Young One didn't speak until he was nearly 5 and suffered from horrid behavioral problems as a toddler and small child; we eventually (VERY eventually) got a (tentative) diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. If that's his problem, it's mild, thank goodness - the tantrums and behavioral problems melted away as his speech improved, then and surpassed what was normal for his age. Nowadays, the only sign he ever had a problem is that he'll often start, then restart several times, a sentence before he finishes it, usually when he's excited.

[Joanie M]

Does your daughter sign? I love to watch signing. I think it looks like hands dancing.

[Picture Imperfect]

Good morning Maureen!

You were and are an awesome mommy! Never doubt that; I can see it in the way you write about your daughters. You love them very much.

I have had significant hearing loss since I was a child. I had ear infections for the first 5-6 years of my life and have scarring on my eardrums because of it. I've never had hearing aids but do read lips. I joke around that I can't have a conversation when I don't have my glasses on. I can still hear lots but there are certain situations (background noise, etc) where everything blends together and I can't distinguish one sound from another. It's a bit isolating at times but you find ways to work around it.

Shame on your mom for wanting to hide the aids. And YAY YOU for not having any part of that!!! You're awesome. :o)

Have a wonderful day, my friend!
~Penny

[LPC]

Thank you for the telling. She's a lucky girl. Although, as a teenager, she might deny that:).

[Jane]

Oh my God what a beautiful response to your mother. You are such an awesome Mom and I wanna be just like you! Great post! Can't wait for part II!

[Heather]

My sister also noticed the lack of words from my 2yr old nephew, he now has a speech therapist coming to the house to work with him. My mother says it seems to be working, but she is still not sure.

I told you, you are a fabulous mom. Right?

I can't believe we still have people who want to hide any kind of "disability", like it will some how reflect badly on them.

Love how you put mom in her place!

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

Maureen - You're wonderful.

[Mama Badger]

Wow, people just want to beat up on your Mom, huh? She's from a different time. And she probably wasn't ashamed, she was worried that her hearing aids would cause your little girl social problems. Who wants to see their grandchild teased on top of trying to overcome a hearing impairment?

Thank goodness you were there to support your daughter, though. You really are a great Mom.

[Mama Badger]

Oh, and how stinking cute is that picture at the top? I just want to eat her up.

[Jill]

You are a good mother.

[kathryn]

Your parents will hopefully someday understand the way their words have affected you...although, you've overcome their "issues" with such grace and love for your own children.

THEY should be learning their parenting skills from YOU.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Ah, lady, you have me in tears. When I read about her finally making that whispering sound you wanted to hear, I lost it. Beautiful words. I can't wait to read the rest!

[Lynn]

Oh--that photo is the cutest. Those little dimpled fingers are adorable. I'm so glad that our view of disability has changed over the years. Now we can be grateful for the means to overcome disabilities and, while doing so, look beyond them. Beautiful writing, Maureen. You write from the heart, and I feel privileged to be allowed in.

[Erin]

Cool. Have you met my sister? She is also a nurse - writes a lot about my super sweet deaf nephew...

[class factotum]

Mama Badger, I hadn't thought of it that way -- that she wanted to keep her granddaughter from being teased. That is a far kinder way to think of it and far more likely interpretation. You are a more generous person than I. Thanks for the reality check.

[Jessica]

my sister's kid is deaf in one ear and they didn't know until he was about 8. I think it's great letting your kid know there's nothing for her to be ashamed of

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

I hate cliffhangers! I can only imagine how relieved and sad and surprised you were at once to learn of the condition, but in true optimistic style you charged forward and said, This is doable. There's lots to be learned from you!

[SuziCate]

Your heads-on approach is commendable. Parenting is rewarding, trying, and even heartbreaking at times. The way one meanders makes all the difference...sounds like you were on the right trail! You are an awesome Mom and daughter. Can't wait to read part 2.

[Kirsty @ Gone Bananas]

I have a friend who's hearing impaired and wont get hearing aids because she was teased so much as a child. No matter what the special need unfortunately there are always some stigma's that follow, which is why it is sooo important to educate ourselves and others. She's beautiful and you are a great mom!!

[Sandi]

I love how you kept in perspective. Her hearing impairment wasn't tragic and you never made it tragic.

[Pearl]

I did the whispering game as well. Still do. :-)

Great story telling, Maureen.

Pearl

[vintage simple]

What a touching and beautiful retelling of this story - yours and your daughter's... I will be back to read more...

-maria

[Jen on the Edge]

I had no idea about the louder cries being related to hearing loss.

In 1998 in Virginia, hearing tests for newborns were not yet mandatory. Because my older girl was clearly reacting to sound (and because I had just spent a horrible night in the hospital in a shared room and was desperate to get home), we did not have her hearing tested. I'll always regret that.

When she was four, we found out that she has moderate conductive hearing loss in one ear.

[Smart Mouth Broad]

My next door neighbor's son was thought to be hearing impaired when he was a toddler but was later diagnosed with autism. Can't wait to read part 2.