Death-Defining

For her Freshman Seminar at college, Daughter #1 is taking a class on death and dying. Because she is just that lighthearted, laugh-a-minute type of girl.

As an assignment, students had to interview a person who has dealt with death as part of their work. D #1 took the easy way out and chose me.

She called me late the other night and grilled me for a half hour about my experiences as an RN working with dying patients. I don't know how she felt about it afterward, since she's about as forthcoming as the CIA, but I found the experience enlightening.

One of the questions was did I feel that working with the dying had changed my attitude about death. I didn't really think I could answer that. See, I started working in a nursing home at 16, long before I'd thought much about death at all. I have to say I'd been pretty sheltered from death; I'd never even been to a funeral.

From that, I was thrust into this world where it was commonplace for at least a couple of patients to die each month, often when I was on duty, and frequently requiring me to do post-mortem care, which basically involves washing and wrapping the body before it's transported to the funeral parlor or morgue.

I continued to work with elderly patients through college and my early days as an RN. Then I moved to pediatrics, where I had to readjust my views toward death to include young people, even children and babies. It was difficult but I considered it a privilege to work with these patients and their families. A blessing even.

As hard as it is to conceive of, I came to believe some people can live a life filled with more purpose and meaning in 8 or 18 years than others might in well over 80. I'm not saying it ever got any easier to see kids die. But I did start to see age as only one factor (albeit a significant one) in the big picture of death.

Another question Daughter #1 had was whether I thought doctors and nurses viewed death differently.

"Like night and day," I told her.

Generally speaking, physicians have an adversarial relationship with death, even those working with the terminally ill. And that's probably as it should be. Most of us count on our doctors to help us fight like crazy to avoid death.

Nurses, on the other hand, are more often the ones present when death occurs. And while we rarely welcome it, we learn to accept it as an inevitability. Having seen enough of it, we realize it's not always fearsome. And in some cases, when we know it's coming, it can even be poignant and memorable.

Don't misunderstand me. I realize the gaping difference between dealing with death on a professional versus a personal level. For all the dying I've witnessed, I've still been incredibly sheltered from it in my own life so far.

And when that changes, as it obviously will, I can only hope some tiny bit of the strength and courage I have witnessed in those I've cared for might be found within myself.

Comments

[Ocean Girl]

My mother-in-law who had been through deaths, told me that death is shocking, regardless whether sudden and unexpected or expected. And she told me that how you deal with death is important as you are setting an example to your children. I discovered what she told me to be so true.

[Jan]

I briefly dated a man who was a pediatric oncologist for 10 years. By the time I'd met him he had gone on to pure research because the emotional toil of working day in and day out with children who were terminally ill was just too much for him after awhile. Frankly, I don't know how he - or you - did it at all. I don't think I could. It's a sad thing to deal with, but you expect the elderly to die. But little kids?

[Jill]

My husband always says that he wishes he had been taught in medical school how to inform a grieving family that their loved one had died. After 25 years...he says it doesn't get any easier.

[LPC]

Death is the one thing that I cannot get my mind to deal with. As in, it shuts down any time I try to really think about it. Maybe working with dying people would have helped.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

This was a great post Maureen.

I find I struggle with death on many levels.

[Lynn]

My mother is a retired RN, and she always said that being a nurse, especially one in a small hospital as she was, was an amazing privilege because there is no other job in the world where you are there to help people come into the world, help care for them along the way, and them help them go through the process of leaving it. Now THAT'S a positive attitude!

[Heather]

I should have been a nurse or something in that field. I have no problem with death, sorta. I haven't cried over someone dying since my grandmother and that was only for maybe 30 minutes. I told myself that I was being selfish and that was the end of that.

My mother was bawling over her cousin for days. I told her..Hey, if she's not in pain anymore, then why are you crying? You should be happy!

[Picture Imperfect]

I have a mantra that is on a magnet on my fridge. It says...

"Life is good. Death is not bad."

I do not fear dying, myself. I handle the deaths of others pragmatically and calmly.

I have lost many friends and mentors and have been proud to march in several of their funeral processions (as a firefighter.) The hardest part for me is the grief I feel for those left behind.

All of this said, I know that when I lose one of my pets I will be a basket case for ... who knows how long. That's *different*!!!

Great post, very informative! I think it's good for you to discuss this with your daughter, no matter what the context!

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

You are such a talented writer and I just really enjoy reading about how you look at the world. I think you'll do fine when you're faced with death. You helped me through my grandmother's death, and by the time I was 11 I'd already been to several funerals for grandparents and an uncle.

Last year, Zach lost his 43yo sister to a 4-wheeler accident, and less than a year later his 10 yo nephew- the son of his youngest sister hung himself in the closet. We have had a rough year here.

I think something that has helped me is my faith, but also knowing that my life has to go on, because you never know when you'll be next.

[Braja]

Interesting topic...and especially pointed what you say about doctors and nurses....

[Erin]

I love that your daughter is taking this class. I think the way a person looks at death sort of informs the way a person live. Helps to be as comfortable with it as you can.

I've been fortunate enough to be in the room with a few dying people. I treasure those experiences. (As weird as it sounds).

[Jane]

Amazing post! And I love the dialogue it opened up between you and your daughter. Possibly you were teasing when you said your daughter took the easy way out and called to interview you -- but I think it says so much that she chose YOU to interview.

[Casey]

Gah, what a serious topic today! Death is a tough one, I never had to deal with it until my early 20's and even then, it was hard. I can't imagine having it be part of my job every day...

[Sprite's Keeper]

This is why I could never be a nurse. I would never want to bear witness to a person's last moments. (I am truly afraid of death because it's so final. There's no control.

[kathryn]

Beautifully written, Maureen.

Yes, I too hope that you'll find some of this well-earned knowledge can be translated over to help you with your own grief one day.

I also hope that day is still very far away.

[class factotum]

Even though it's been 12 years since he died, I miss my dad every day, but I don't grieve the way I have seen some people grieve. Maybe because I don't think we left anything unsaid? And maybe because I know I'll see him again someday? If I'm wrong (ie, there is no God, no afterlife) about seeing him again, then I won't know, will I?

What upset me the most about his dying and death was the people who wouldn't acknowledge that he was gone and ignored the subject altogether, even though I was gone from work for two weeks and everyone knew why. One co-worker said, "Oh. I shouldn't have reminded you. Now you're sad." Right! Like I had FORGOTTEN until you mentioned it that MY DAD DIED LAST WEEK.

What I learned from the experience is to talk to people. I ask what is going on. A loved one is sick? How is he doing? Is he going to recover? Oh I am so sorry. Oh, your loved one died? Was he ill? How is [your mom] doing? What is your favorite memory?

Most people (I have yet to meet someone where this is not the case) want to talk about the person who is dying/has died. But just because someone you love has died, it does not mean he is gone from your heart.

I'll shut up now.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

My daughter took a similar class her freshman year in college. I also have been sheltered from very many personal experiences with death.

[Mama Badger]

Maureen, I've always thought nurses were incredible people. They deal with sickness and death, and have to be both professional and compassionate at the same time. The dr passes in and out quickly, but it's the nurse that really administers care. When I was having o my nurse came to apologize for not responding to my calls quickly. She was sitting with a mother who they thought might loose her baby. I can't even imagine how you could be that caring and still get your job done. You guys are amazing.