Family Time: Mandatory

Are you, like me, your family's Cruise Director?

I used to think this job description only applied when they were younger. But I've realized recently how much more important the job is now that my kids have one foot out the door. If I didn't plan ahead and inform them that participation is mandatory it would never happen.

My own parents pretty much gave up on the concept of Family Time when my sister and I became teenagers. I can understand why.

My kids grumble and complain. They recite a hundred reasons why it won't work for them. "I can't get off work for a whole weekend." "I have too much homework." "I have my own life too, you know." I've heard it all.

But as I saw us scattering in several different directions a few years ago, I realized that the days we have left for Family Time are numbered. I decided then not to listen to their objections. For any and all excuses they throw my way, I counter with only this: Make it Work.

My goal is not to make them miserable. It's to make memories. Maybe if I was still married it wouldn't be so important to me; maybe I'd be relishing the couple-alone time after all that parenting.

But I've found that by enforcing Mandatory Family Time, my jaded older kids wind up having a blast. Whisked away from their outside lives and personas, old sibling alliances are rekindled, and new ones have a chance to ignite.

Well worn family jokes resurface, although we  inevitably wind up with new zingers for the memory book. Like the time Daughter #2 innocently read aloud a sign on a Florida highway as we drove by: Hooters, where everyone gets their own cheerleader. She was about 12 and had no idea what Hooters was. But her 16 and 19 year-old siblings did, and that line is now a family classic.

The idea is simple: Keep it brief. A long weekend may work better than a week for a mini family vacation.

Don't overschedule: I'm planning a mandatory hike up-island for the day after Thanksgiving this year. If the weather tanks, I have a DVD as backup. But I would never try both for the same day when they're only here a couple of days.

Don't ban technology: You can't fight City Hall but do use your discretion. I allow computers and cell phones. But only during down-time or at the end of the day, not in the middle of a car ride through the rain forrest in Puerto Rico.

It's important to remember that they will complain about being forced to spend time with the family. It's pretty much their job. Check your sensitivity at the door. Last summer, my kids kvetched right up until we left for our long weekend in New Jersey. Yet they're still talking about how much fun they had.

In fact, since realizing these family "adventures" aren't going away, they've taken to emailing me links for possible things to do and places to go. We booked the hotel for our mini ski vacation this year based on a suggestion from Daughter #1.

One day maybe not too far off I'm looking forward to handing off the mantle of Cruise Director to them. Then all I'll need to do is go along for the ride.

Do you think, when that day comes, they'll get the joke if I show up with my arms folded, cell phone in hand, eyes rolling belligerently? Nah, I wouldn't really do that. Someone's got to at least pretend to be the mature one, right?

Comments

[karal@theorangechair.org]

I'm really glad that you encourage ~ force ~ hahaha, you know what I mean ~ these together times. We didn't do tons of family activities as teenagers, yet the few we did do, (family camping in the rain, my poor stepdad) I remember grumbling all the way through. Now I treasure not just the memories of the event but that someone cared enough to make it happen. Priceless times you are a'making! Happy Thanksgiving to you.

[Erin]

Each time I've dragged the boy hiking, he's smiled his way through it. Plus we have photos to prove that he have fun to use in coercing him the next time.
We'll also schedule marathon dvd sessions for rainy weekend days. He loves that. Even if he grumbles that we are boring.
Yesterday? He asked me if we could plan a trip to Nova Scotia. Who knew?

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

My mother does/did the same thing. But now that all three of us are older- we do take family vacations and we're all glad to be back at their house for holidays. I don't know that any of us gave her quite as much trouble, but she would probably remember it differently! Someday your kids will thank you!

[Jan]

Once they've been completely on their own for awhile, they'll be so incredibly grateful just to come home and see you for a few days that you'll stand around going, "Who are you and what have you done with my child?"

[Georgina]

Fortunately most of my family all lives very close to one another. We always had Sunday dinner together at my parents house. Now that my Dad is gone, I look back and am so grateful that we all made a point of spending time together, even if it was just a couple hours a week. - G

[SuziCate]

You are an awesome Mom and memory maker! I think I might take this idea and run with it!

[LPC]

Great post. I'm going to quote you on my Tumblr account. Where I put all cool things I find.

[Gloria Carrington-Ferrira]

I love that 'Make it work', I'm going to have to adopt that one!

Maureen, your posts are always such value and your memories have me either smiling or wiping away a little tear and this one, well, I'm reaching for the phone as I type . . . and yes, I'll be saying, 'Make it Work'!!!!!

Thanks:-D

[Joanie M]

You're lucky. My kids show up at their Dad's (or whichever one of his siblings is hosting) for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am left to my own devices for those days. My kids don't even ask what I'm doing on those days. We always did those holidays with his family. I don't know why I allowed it all those years ago.

For the record, I will be going to my sister's for Thanksgiving, as I do each year since my separation. Not sure about Christmas. I absolutely cannot go to John's brother's house anymore. The house is literally falling down around him and I'm too grossed out to eat any of the food and pretend I'm sick. Last year, I told John I can't go back.

[Mama Badger]

This is great. Wait until you have some grandkids. When we get LG and o together with all their cousins it's so much fun for everyone we all hate to leave.

His mom is a bit of an overscheduler, though. We have to remind her that just because someone is coming in for a visit, doesn't mean we have to have a plan for every minute of their time! You're definately a better planner on that front.

[Nina]

I totally relate to this philosophy...brilliant and true.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

I love family time especially during the holiday's. Some of my best memories take place around my grandmother's dining room table. Like you, I hope to foster times like those as my kids get older and leave home. It's so important. Good for you for making it "mandatory".

[Heather]

My family is so tight, we talk on the phone at least once a week, with one member or another. It's time with hubby's family I charish. They all grumble about "having to", even his mother is just as bad, but we all seem to have fun.

...I show up with my arms folded, cell phone in hand, eyes rolling belligerently...Now that would be hilarious!!!

[vintage simple]

Notes duly taken... I'll let you know how it goes in a few years.

Bill and I have this plan that before Noah gets too old - right at that moment when they're teetering between childhood and adolescence, we'll take a couple of weeks to hike part of the Appalachian Trail. No technology - just us three, with the bags on our backs and the trail ahead. I really hope we stick to it and do it.

-maria

[Sandi]

Oh I do this, too and my kids are only 3 and 5. I drag them to museums, aquariums, zoos and plays. My son used to piss and moan, but now he looks forward to it. He still complains about the long(ish) car rides, though.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Sigh. I miss my family vacations. There was always a good day, a big fight, a huge make up, and a declaration that this was the best family vacation ever. I need one of those. John and I never fight on our trips. I always think something is missing when noone's crying. :-)

[Menopausal New Mom]

That is a terrific idea and the way your kids are coming around and actually enjoying themselves. I like that they are looking for things to do together, definitely a big thumbs up for the family!

[jessica]

I spend a lot of time with my kid> She's the only one I've got and I'm so well aware of how much time flies. Good for you for keeping the family together and creating those memories

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

Family time is so important.

Lately when I've run into moms of my son's friends they are shocked that MVP and I talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week. Granted he's at work and it's slow, but hey, he could be calling someone else.

[kathryn]

I HATE to say this, Maureen...but I fear your cruise director job may be safe for the next 10-15 years or so. Between them working and their relationships...(which will bring in other ppl who need time off from work or other obligations) you'll be working harder than ever.

I think that was around the time my mom started grabbing all the holidays for her house. And if there was a conflict w/an inlaw for someone's time, we did a "MOCK". I can't tell you how many "MOCK Thanksgivings" we had on Friday, so we "Marinos" could all be together.

She made it work, dammit!