"Hello? Here I Am..."

Last June when my parents were here, we were driving home from Daughter #1's high school graduation.

"God," my father commented, "what some of those kids accomplish is unbelievable." He shook his head. "The talent some people have."

Excuse me, I wanted to say. Some people? You mean, like your own granddaughter, the one sitting here right next to you, by the way, who graduated in the top five percent of her class? Who got accepted into some pretty amazing colleges? Who sang in Austria, won national awards, and will be dancing in her recital next week?

But I knew it would do no good. In that moment it all came flooding back. Growing up, my sister and I were subject to a continuous litany of how pretty/talented/smart our friends were. Meanwhile there we were, standing right in front of them.

My sister struggled a little in school, but she ran the Booster Club, was on the yearbook staff, and donned the bear costume of our school mascot for football games. She worked her butt off at her after-school job, and never got into trouble.

Success starts with a mindset. I believe, without a doubt, that we can be as spectacular as we decide we are. I've always felt this.

I remember wanting to jump up and down in front of my parents, waving my arms to get their attention.

Hello? It's me, your daughter who's starring in the school play? The one who's graduating at the top of her class and working 20 hours a week in a nursing home? Can you see me?

Did you ever feel this way?

For a long time their remarks made me jealous. I'd want to snap back: Yeah, you think so-and-so is that great? You should see what a bitch she can be. Or defend myself to them: Hey, I can do that too. Just give me a chance. But I never did.

As I got older I realized they had no idea they were creating this resentment. They'd be shocked to know our feelings had ever been hurt by their remarks. Yet still I struggle, hearing them go on about other people's grandchildren, how beautiful and talented they are, what colleges they got into. Why is it so hard for them to believe they have shining stars right in their own family?

"Do you really think Daughter #1 can be a doctor?" my mother asked not long ago.

"Why couldn't she?" I asked, my grip tightening on the phone.

"It takes so long. And you have to work so hard," she went on. Meanwhile, her brother and three of my cousins are physicians. Does she think they possess some spectacular gene that is absent in her own offspring?

"I think," I said carefully, "that she can be whatever she decides she wants to be."

And I really really do.

Comments

[Jen on the Edge]

Have you talked about your parents' mindset with your children and let them know that what grandma and grandpa think and say is not meant to be hurtful?

My father and stepmother have a history of saying and doing hurtful things even though it's not their intent. Unfortunately, some of their comments from 25 years ago stuck and have led to a lifetime of body image issues that I'm still trying to shake. When it became clear that their comments would go on to the next generation, I talked to my parents and was very clear about what they could and could not say to my daughters. It was hard, but necessary in order to break the cycle.

[Nancy McDonnell]

It IS sad when our parents (My dad that did that. My mother didn't do that, but my dad did...and being the perfect 50's wife she never interjected.) pointed out the success of others, yet didn't focus on ours. My brother STILL talks to a psychologist about it. I on the other hand have just learned to brush it off.

As long as YOU believe in her, then she will also believe in herself. From what I know of you from all you've written, you're a good mom. Great even. That's the best accomplishment of all. YOU should be proud of yourself...especially turning out so womderful without the support that you should have had.
:-)

{{hugs}}

[Jonaie M]

I don't think my parents ever did that, and I'm very careful not to do that to my own kids.

I have 2 daughters who are both theater-oriented. One is more talented than the other, but I think the less talented daughter will go further because she is more aggressive than her sister. The next few years will prove very interesting, as the younger one is now in college, studying theater.

[Jan]

Unless you want your blog to become a forum for my therapy, I won't go into how unworthy my mother made me feel, not only growing up, but as an adult as well. It wasn't that anyone else was better - what I did just wasn't quite good enough.

I have spent the last 26 1/2 years making sure my kids don't have *that* issue with me, at least. I make sure they know they shine in MY eyes.

[LPC]

Maybe they don't want to bring the wrath of the gods down on their kids heads by pointing them out. Just trying to be charitable. Making children feel unworthy, otherwise, is unforgivable.

[Jane]

Oh, I SO have parents like that. They are so impressed with titles and awards. And all four of their daughters were accomplished in their own right -- but it was never good enough. But I just want to say to YOU...Look at what a great mom they helped to create. In your quest not to repeat their mistakes you have become an amazing mom to your daughters! Simply amazing!

[Heather]

Nice control with the parents!

I say anyone who can acheive getting their kids through high school AND college, is amazing!

Right at this moment, my family is going throught the "Hello, remember me" phase, with our parents. My baby sister and her kids are hogging our parents and my other sister is screaming (literally) for attention.

[Ocean Girl]

I think all parents care for and are proud of their children. However, the older generation are not taught of the psychological effect like the younger generation today are being exposed to. How we should be sensitive to our children, how to encourage and motivate them, how to give them space and respect them as a person, make them feel loved etc. etc.. So the older generation probably just do and say the only way they know to do it, plainly, without the extra effort to please.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this. Unfortunately I know many people whose parents are similiar. Do you think that you would have pushed yourself as hard had they been more complimentary to your successes?

My own parents were pretty good about that but I did have to deal with pressure about weight. My mother suffered from an eating disorder which caused her to focus on my weight which then cause me to focus on my weight. It was a vicious cycle.

From what I've read, you've done a wonderful job with your kids. Keep up the good work.

[Sprite's Keeper]

My parents were never this way with me, but my grandfather was. He would say things that sounded flippant or he thought were amusing that would hurt my feelings so deeply. Years later, I still resented him.

[Pseudo]

I think it might be the way of their generation...

[Lynn]

Oy. I think more often that not we all deal with a certain amount of that in one way or another. Hopefully it gets diluted over the generations--I know it has in my family, and I want to ensure that I acknowledge my children's accomplishments and see the best in them so the tendency unwittingly destroy their fragile self esteem is even further watered down. It has only been in the last couple of generations that any effort was given to praise--prior to that, praise wasn't given for fear it would make children too proud and uppity.

Thank heavens for the invention of modern therapy. ;o)

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

I read this through gritted teeth. I had parents that always tried to see the best in me, I believe, but they didn't really want to support my dream of riding horses for a living. So I had to get a *real* job to please them.

I think if I could do it over again, I might have learned to stand up for myself a little more, and realize that I can do what I want. Not what they want- this is of course when you're 25 not 16.

I don't think we can simply blame it all on an older generation. Zach's dad is going on 76 and he is the most encouraging individual I know. All of his kids believe that they can do anything they set their mind to do. And they're almost always successful. His older sister- skipped most of her undergrad work and made it right into med school. Zach- graduated HS at 16. His daughter- skipped the 5th grade.

No offense, Maureen, but parents like yours make me want to choke something. I'm so glad you raised your kids better. :-)

[Mama Badger]

Maybe they don't realize how their words affect you. In their mind, they're just keeping you humble. My Mom always used to treat my brother like he was a god. She told him how smart and talented he was. Went to all his events without asking (and dragged me along). None of that with me though. She would ask if she "needed" to go to a concert or school event. When I was 16 I finally had an outburt about her loving him more. And she explained that she just didn't think I needed any of those pep talks. I had confidence and talent that my brother didn't.

So maybe it's a matter of perspective?

[Smart Mouth Broad]

Sadly, most people our parent's age have no idea what their comments can do to others and would never see it if it was pointed out to them. You've done a great job letting your kids know they be whatever they want to be if they are willing to work hard for it. Great job, Mom!

[Brenda]

Wow, I can tell by the number of comments you've touched a nerve! In me, too! Every time I accomplish anything, my mom will bring up some (far greater) accomplishment of my brother/sister/niece/nephews. Funny thing is, if I'm dealing with a problem, I get 5 seconds of listening time, and then get to hear about the (far greater) woes of my brother/sister/niece/ nephews! Used to drive me crazy--until my sister said they do the same to her!

It must be unconscious, some sort of twisted sense of trying to treat all the kids the same and not showing favoritism...perhaps.

[class factotum]

praise wasn't given for fear it would make children too proud and uppity.

Ah yes. The Norwegian school. Don't praise them or you'll give them a big head. That, apparently, was my grandfather's way with his kids. He got over that by the time he had grandchildren.

[class factotum]

That's too bad that your parents are like this. It's great that you have learned from their mistakes. Some people are doomed to repeat their parents' failings.

PS HTML tags don't work here, I guess, so just pretend that the quotation above ("praise...uppity") is in italics.

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawli1umAkUZScvDDBE4kxxVT0v1IdiSgWi4]

The fact that you wrote about this in November, when this happened in June, shows it bothers you. And your instincts are probably correct. Your daughter apparently did very well. Since you are the gatekeeper, I think you should consider speaking (maybe even snail mail) to your parents in a nice way about the effect of words on young, goal-oriented, confident, unsuspecting ears. Their message might get misconstrued. (My guess is they realy ere blown away by todays education, technology, etc., and maybe what they might have accomplished, and were thinking of themselves.) The fact that they came says a lot in itself. But I believe in clear communication with young and old alike. Manners still rule (as in think before you speak).

[Jessica]

Been there, dealt with that and so have my sisters and one of them now teaches at an Ivy league school

[Twenty Four At Heart]

Ahhhhhh ... your parents are my in-laws?

[Erin]

I agree with Pseudo - might be generational. But damn, I could have written this post.

I might still. Very therapeutic to read!!

[Jason]

Why do parents do this? Now I must reflect. I don't think I do this. No, I'm sure I don't do this.

Great post.

[kathryn]

I'm sorry....but it is NOT okay that this negativity is being perpetuated. I wonder how you've managed to overcome that in your own parenting?

And are your parents like this with everyone? I would think they are...what a sad, hopeless way to look at life...and the people they love!

[Heather]

Amen sister. They will be amazing, especially with such a supportive mom as you!

[Casey]

Argh. You're an amazing mom and your kids will be amazing too. Your parents and their snide comments remind me of my FIL and his. I'm sorry they weren't more supportive but I'm glad that you broke the cycle with your awesome kids.