Wounds

One of my children has a friend who is a cutter.

She turns her anxiety and her anger and her pain on herself and leaves marks. On her arms, her legs.

She has a kit especially for this purpose. It contains what appear to be an exacto knife and several blades. I know this because she gave it to my kid once in a bout of optimism. She wasn't going to cut anymore. She was better, she was cured.

Except she wasn't. Within weeks the tide had turned and she was hurting herself once more. I guess she put together a new kit. It's easy enough when you stop to think about it. I look around my kitchen, my bathroom. If you're searching for weapons, there are plenty to be found.

I encouraged my child not to judge this friend too harshly. At some point in our lives we all turn on ourselves, inflicting damage in one way or another.

Many of us have issues with food. Some of us drink or take too much medication. Others seek out or continue relationships with people who abuse us. Emotionally. Psychologically. Physically.

Hopefully we recognize there are people to help us. Friends, professionals. Ourselves. Hopefully we get through it. Sometimes again and again. However many times it takes.

I've been very proud of my own kid for being there for this friend. For being brave enough to yell at her, and loyal enough to stand by her. For never taking on a burden that should only be borne by professionals. And for trusting me enough to keep me in the loop.

We all have scars. I've heard people say that the ones you cannot see are even worse than those you can. But I don't know.

Turning something sharp on your own skin, slicing it open and not understanding why seeing your own blood causes the pain in your heart to momentarily disappear? Then being forever left with a scar to remind you of what you are capable of doing to yourself?

I've seen her scars. They make me want to gather her in my arms and weep.

But she is getting help. Because she's smart and loved and incredibly brave. She will not give up on herself. And neither will we.

 

Comments

[Jen on the Edge]

Oh gosh, I hurt for this young person too. I hope she can get the help needs.

[Mama Badger]

Kids like that make my heartbreak. When I coached, I had a 13 year old who liked to push a safety pin under her fingernails I never saw her do it, but you could see the raw ends of her fingers. Thank god this girl was from a healthy, fun family, with parents who adored her and worked with her on it for years.

I only know about all of this because her best friend needed someone to talk to while she was being the one to be leaned upon. All that strength in people so young! In a week of thanks, thank god for people like your daughter and my rower for being that good friend. Everybody needs one.

[LPC]

What about her mom and dad? That's all I can think. Aaargh. I hope she recovers. Aaargh.

[Heather]

I think my step-daughter was a cutter. I thought about asking her but decided it's best to let it alone, since she's clearly don't doing it anymore. She has thin scars all over upper arms, I have never seen her in shorts and we live in Texas!

I'm glad your daughter has enough love for her friend to be there for her. Hopefully she can come through this!

[Kirsty @ Gone Bananas]

Wow how sad! I hope she gets the help she needs, because cutting can lead to suicide. What a great friend your daughter must be and what a great relationship you must have that she does keep you in the loop. Bless!

[Sprite's Keeper]

Your daughter has learned well to stand up to and with her friend. Her friend is a very lucky girl. Not all friends would stay true in such a raw situation.

[Jan]

Having been the parent of a child who cut themselves, I feel for this girl. I feel for your daughter, who is her friend, and I feel for you, who really cannot do anything about it. I feel for her parents, who are most likely pretty bewildered and feeling helpless.

If she is getting help, this is GOOD. Not that the resolution to the issue will be easy or simple. *sigh*

[Lora]

I used to be a cutter. This is the first time I've ever admitted it to someone other than a mental health professional. Ack.

It is a terrible way to be. It's an addiction. I remember running home to do it. I remember my toolkit. I remember how good it feels. I still have moments where a tiny part of my brain tells me that everything will be better if I cut just a tiny bit.

I don't even remember what it was that helped me to stop, but I did.

I wish I had words other than I'm so proud of your daughter for supporting her friend and so proud of you for supporting your daughter.

I started because I had heard of a friend doing it. I have friends who started because they heard of me doing it. It's awfully widespread. Or at least was 15/20 years ago. I'm sad to say that I don't think much has changed.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

Maureen,
You never cease to amaze me with your personality. Each day I learn a little more about you and each day I like you more and more. You're wonderful.

[Erin]

I love how kids can be support to each other. I have seen this - kids encouraging their friends to not cut, etc.
Ack. Kids.
Great post. What a good friend your daughter is.

[kathryn]

Wow. You gave me chills with this post, Maureen...and have brought me close to tears. That poor, poor girl.

It IS so hard to understand how the cutting helps....and how they could disrespect their bodies so much.

Those scars will always be with her...and I hope the help she gets now makes her stronger.

[Kate]

Wow, what a powerful post. It brought me back to high school where I first "found out" about cutting. I was walking with a friend and she (accidentally, I suppose)pulled up her sleeve and I saw a bunch of cuts on her arm. I asked (in my utter nativity)if a cat had scratched her. She really wouldn't say much and so I investigated further and through the rest of high school I was very close to many other friends that cut.
As you said so eloquently, everyone has their way of coping with life, I certainly use my fair share!

[Menopausal New Mom]

That is so powerful! I have not known anyone who does this although I have met my fair share of people who hurt themselves with alcohol, food, speed and drugs. I'm glad she has a good support system.

[Lynn]

Maureen, most kids receive their strength from their parents, as your daughter obviously has inherited from you. This post gave me shivers. Kids face so much outside the safety of home, and home must feel a refuge to your daughter as she opens up to you about her life and friends. You're obviously an amazing mother--and your daughter is an amazing friend.

It's interesting that you posted this today. Yesterday a woman from one of my online classes, who I've never met but who I and another classmate keep in touch with on facebook, posted that she had taken a bunch of pills. My other classmate was the first to see her post, phoned the paramedics with her phone number, then called her and talked with her until the paramedics arrived. I wish that I could somehow hug out all the pain and heartache that people who hurt themselves feel. It's heartbreaking. Thank heavens for caring friends, who can be their only lifeline and their hope for a better future.

[Jane]

My heart just aches for this dear person in pain, for you child trying to help and for the parents who must be struggling, too. My prayers are with everyone.

[Dreamfarmgirl]

You are so right that there are many heartbreaking ways we hurt ourselves. But help and recovery are possible, though it can be a long, struggle. Loving someone who harms herself as a way to deal with pain is extraordinarily painful, too. I am glad you are there for your daughter, and that she trusts you.

[Joanie M]

My younger daughter has a friend like that. She was cutting herself. Dani tried to help her. the girl was diagnosed as Bi-polar and put on meds. I think it helped her Her family has since moved to Oregon and I don't think she cuts any more.

[Myrna]

this is incredibly sad but I'm glad she has important people like you and your daughter in her life to help.

[Smart Mouth Broad]

Cutting is one of those things that nobody knows about until you know someone who does it. Then you all of a sudden hear about it all about. I have a coworker who suffered with this. She was cured. There is hope. This girl is very fortunate to have a friend like your daughter.