Flying Solo

This weekend I'm going to the one big formal holiday party I'm invited to each year.

By myself.

You don't get invited to many social events when you're divorced. I'm not trying to induce any pity here. It's just a fact.

I have some very good friends, and if they're having a pot-luck or a barbecue they'll be sure to include me. But when people decide to go out to dinner or have a drink at a restaurant or see a movie, it's generally a couples thing.

Two years ago when I was dating someone for a relatively long period of time I had many more invitations. Which is ironic, because I'm much more in need of a social life when I''m not dating and I'm by myself.

Nobody means to be cruel. I'm sure they don't think twice about it. It's one of society's best kept little secrets.

But this one party I am invited to each year requires flashing your invitation at the door to get in. I was lucky enough to land a spot on this mysterious "list" several years ago while I was working with one of the several people who host the affair (herself a single divorced woman). They key to remaining on the guest list, apparently, is that you must attend the party.

So I have. And, every year but one, I've attended it alone.

The first time I did this I thought I would throw up.

Go to a fancy party alone? The idea of merely walking in the door made me want to run home, grab some Haagen-Dazs, and break out the Netflix. It's not that I don't love parties. I do. But I'd never attended this kind of affair solo.

Two of my married friends, who themselves coveted a spot on the guest list, took me under their wing. One loaned me a vintage black wool halter dress that had belonged to her mother-in-law in the 60's. The other sent over several beautiful pieces of costume jewelry for me to choose from.

It may seem neurotic to think people turn and look when you enter such a soiree alone. But believe me, they do.

I headed straight for the bar. It was like being back in college, that feeling that I was capable of bridging any social barrier if I had a beer in my hand. Except now it was cabernet.

Martha's Vineyard is a small place, especially in winter. There were a lot of people there I knew. Everyone was dressed to the nines, a sight to behold here any time of year, take my word for it.

There was makeup, heels, men in actual suits and ties, tuxedos and gowns even. It felt a little like we were all Cinderella, transformed somehow from our every day selves by magic to attend the ball.

I wasn't prepared for the first comment on my flying solo.

"You're here alone?" an acquaintance boldly exclaimed. Then she patted me on the arm enthusiastically. "Good for you!"

I wish I could say she was the only one.

To be honest, some years it would be easier to stay home. But it's kind of become a challenge I feel I must rise to year after year.

I always end up having a good time. And I always leave feeling a little stronger, a little more whole in my self.

And, of course, I'm always happy to realize I've clinched my spot on the guest list for at least one more year.

 

Comments

[Mama Badger]

Good deal! That sounds like a lot of fun. You'll have to post a picture of you dressed up in your finest!

One year you'll have to find some swank young fellow who covets an invite and bring him along.

[SuziCate]

You go and have a great time! Never know...you might meet Mr. Wonderful there who is also flying solo this year!

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

You never know, this year could be the year that a hot single guys shows up...

[Jan]

I'm jealous you get invited to parties like that. In fact, I'm just jealous you get invited to parties, period. *sigh* Such is the life of two workaholics.

[Nancy]

I hear ya' sister!
Sonetimes being a 'couple' is a necessary evil for social events.

Good for you, though. Really. I'd be home with the Haagan-Daz. You are a better woman than me!

What are you wearing THIS year?! Do we get to see photos?
:-)

[Sprite's Keeper]

All I know is I want to see pictures!
I've been alone and as a couple to events and the couple thing is a great fallback to not looking alone or bored, but can sometimes hinder you as well. Oy.
Go and go glam!

[Heather]

After reading everyone else's comments, all that is left to say is: Go with your chin up and have a great time!

[LPC]

Chin up. Good clothes. Which you preview for us so we can live vicariously:).

[Jen on the Edge]

As has been said already: chin up, back straight, big smile.

Good luck!

[Diane]

you ROCK! I'm not on any guest lists that remotely compare. And I'm sure you will look completely fabulous. That, by itself, is the best part. Try to get into as many photos as possible!!

[class factotum]

I spent most of my adult life without a husband or boyfriend. I had the occasional boyfriend, but I didn't waste time with men who didn't interest me, so most of them didn't last long. And yes -- single/divorced women tend not to be invited to events. Are they threats to the coupled? I've never been able to figure that out.

Why the big deal about being there alone? Honestly -- have these women never gone out to eat alone? Gone to a movie alone? Maureen, they need to get a life. They are a little bit sheltered and timid, don't you think? Even when I go somewhere with my husband, I don't cling to his side. I'm with him all the time. When we go somewhere, I want to talk to other people. I know what he has to say -- I want to interact with the other folks.

You go to this party, look FABULOUS (the dress you wore to your reunion, perhaps?) and HAVE FUN!

[Erin]

1. You are a better woman than I. I don't think I could go to a fancy shindig alone.
2. I wish I were invited to anything that required heels and fancy jewelry.
3. Please post photos of you all dressed up so we can live vicariously through you...

[kathryn]

Aw, sweetie. I've got two words for you: "men's room".

I would spend the entire time acting as if my date were locked in the restroom with the most interesting back-issue of "CAR WEEKLY" that ever existed.

Then, I would switch gears and *visualize* that you've had a "significant other" for the past 5 years (Russell Crowe, perhaps? Clooney maybe??), but you've CHOSEN to hit this soiree solo...left the 'ole ball & chain at home, if you will.

You need to show ppl that it's a CHOICE that you go alone...'cause you have a better time! I'll bet you half of the ppl there wish THEY'D come alone!

[Dreamfarmgirl]

Yes--go and look fabulous and have a great time!

[Jane]

Oh my goodness, you are so right! But I thought it was just me. I was a single/divorced mom for a time. And during that time, my name was dropped from guest lists - I thought it was just because they got my ex-husband in the divorce. But looking back, I WAS viewed differently now that I was divorced - and being young and niave at the time I blamed myself. Boring, uninteresting - it all confirmed the reasons my husband left me. But now I look back and remember some comments and realize some people (women, mostly) were threatened. I remember a good friend say to me that my single presence reminds everyone that not all marriages last - not my fault, that's just the way it was. I loved her honesty. She was one of the few friends that stuck with me. And it sounds like you have a few of those treasured, dear friends that won't toss you aside because you remind them of something that has nothing to do with the real, true you. They are well deserved and they're lucky to have YOU.

[Jersey Girl]

It took me YEARS to be comfortable enough to go out socially alone. I was in sales and on the road for over 10 years and I would NEVER sit inside a restaurant, diner or even a fast food joint by myself at lunch. I always sat and ate in my car. How self-conscious was I?
I think showing up solo at such an affair would be very attractive to the right man. The ladies who were making the comments to you previously were probably intimidated a bit and perhaps looked at you as a possible threat. I bet a few of them were in miserable relationships and were wishing they could dump their partners and be a single lady again!

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I used to have to travel on business (alone) a lot. I'd find myself walking into nice restaurants and/or events alone on a regular basis. At first I was very self conscious but after awhile I didn't even think about it anymore. I got so I really enjoyed venturing out on my own.

[jessica]

oh boy, do I know how you feel. This is why I have a very limited social life. Most couples want to be with a couple. Good for you for going. I would have to and yet also felt like running home. Sometimes, it's just easier not to leave the house but like you, I often feel stronger when I do, like I've grown up a bit more and have proven to myself that I'm okay on my own.

I had no idea this would be my life but it is and I accept it. What choice do I have anyway? Stay in an unhappy marriage so I could go out more? NO. I don't think so

[Lynn]

I was single until my mid-thirties and rarely dated (which was my cross, silly as it sounds). One day, after something had come up that I wanted to go to and didn't because everyone else had a date and I was sulking over it, a lightbulb went off. It was a "who cares whether it's awkward? You want to go? Go anyway" moment. If single women don't go out and do stuff, thumbing their nose at the idea that social events are for couples, we'd cheat ourselves out of great experiences. I've had the best dinners at posh restaurants by myself, dressed up with killer heels and with my crutch--a book--left solidly on the table at home. Once I got used to it, it was liberating. People could think what they wanted. What difference did it make in my life, really, what people thought? Chances are that most of them didn't even notice or care as much as I imagined they did.

Nice restaurants, operas, musicals, symphonies, plays, and ballets were all part of my single days. Post marriage and kids, we haven't been able to afford to do those things much, if at all. I'm glad I took those moments earlier, coz when the opportunity is gone there's no guarantee that it'll happen again.

But you know that. I've once again rambled. oops. Have a fabbo time. Knock 'em dead, and yes--photos!! Please!!

[Picture Imperfect]

I have run up against this "Good for YOU" mentality also - people think I am oooohhhh so brave and long-suffering to go out to places without a date or a partner. What gives?

I think lots of people would be far too insecure to attend any social gathering without a date on their arm. It's sad really! I have gotten to enjoy going to these functions alone.

Think of it this way... at least you KNOW you don't have to worry about your date drinking too much and passing out on the refreshments table. (Yes, this happened to me once. lol)

[Picture Imperfect]

ps... I, too, would love to see pictures!

[PLRH]

I remember the first charity auction I went to alone after my divorce. I had that same about-to-throw-up feeling. I even drove around the blocks several times trying to decide if I really wanted to go through with it. I managed it but I bypassed the valet parking. Somehow that seemed to announce it even louder that I was flying solo.

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

I am jealous. You get to go to a black tie event. This weekend. I would love to go to a black tie event. I love dresses and fancy heels, and cocktail rings and all strapless dresses. I am dying to see what you wear.

And you do rock for going it alone. I have done a couple weddings solo- and because I always knew people there it made it better- you have that going for you- you know the hostess!

[Casey]

These days I'd kill to go to a party alone! I never felt that fear though, I always enjoyed shopping or going to the movies alone. I have friends who think I'm crazy for it.

Hope you had fun at the party!