The F-Word

Do you know what the F-word is?

Oh, you may think you do, but I'll bet you don't know what the F-word is in our house. 

It's Focus. As in: my 5 year-old/8 year-old/18 year-old son cannot, apparently, do it.

First-Born Son, also known as Mr. ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder for those few of you lucky enough to have no idea what I'm talking about), was not formally diagnosed until fifth grade. But of course by then I'd been dealing with it informally for years.

"I just start staring out the window while the teacher talks," he'd confess. "And the next thing you know, I'm thinking about Star Wars and Darth Vader and light-saber battles."

The irony was that at two or three he would sit in my lap for hours while I read to him. Book after book. On dinosaurs. Sharks. King Arthur. He could play Lego's or act out James Bond all afternoon.

But ask him to sit for a 20 minute lesson on fractions or write an essay on osmosis versus diffusion? Well, that was another story.

His incredible kindergarten teacher (who I believe was actually capable of walking on water) gave me the heads-up in my first Parent-Teacher conference. She never used the letters ADD, but she did use the F-word.

"He's a smart, wonderful little boy," she said, "who has trouble when it comes to being able to focus on things he'd rather not do."

"I want you to be prepared," she went on. "Some teachers will see this as a problem. You're going to hear this word again and again."

She was right. It became downright predictable.

The first time I came home from a conference and announced, "Your teacher used the F-word," he looked at me like I was insane.

His teacher? The F-word? No F-ing way! 

"Focus," I explained. "She needs you to focus."

And we both laughed our F-ing heads off.

It's not that we didn't take it seriously. Or that I wasn't constantly searching for new strategies to try and help him deal. 

"Look at me," I still say to him when I need him to pay attention. "What did I just say?" To this day I try not to give him more than three directions at a time. AND make him repeat them back to me.

Still, he'll wander in sheepishly 20 minutes later. "Okay, I fed the dog and vaccuumed the pool. What was that other thing again?"

And we laugh.

Because really, what are we going to do? Cry about a little trouble focusing?

Today First-Born Son goes to film school where he's learning the art of making movies. Movies that, one day, other young children will be thinking about, drowning out the words of their teachers, as they stare out the windows of their classrooms.

It's a lot to hope for.

His kindergarten teacher would be so F-ing proud.

 

Comments

[Joanie M]

The good thing is, as he matured, he learned how to deal with it. Where is he going to school?

[SuziCate]

It's a rough road when they're little. My oldest son as well was diagnosed in fifth grade (ADD), but the frustration prior to diagnosis was horrible. He's had a tough time in school. He won't take any allowances in college, doesn't want anyone to know. As a business major, it has been a long hard road. I always thought he'd excel in something more creative or even the advertising aspect of business. He knows that he has to study more than the average student and force himself to "focus" in order to succeed, and fortunately he's almost there. Guess it hasn't been so bad because he plans to go to graduate school.

[Mike]

I can totally relate to staring out of the window leading to thoughts of Darth Vader.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

You guys F-ing rock.

Good for the two of you for finding a way to work together on something I can imagine is difficult for both of you.

[Diane]

Humor, in all things, is good. I think everyone has distraction problems. I have to essentially build myself a cubicle in order to shut down the external world enough to focus in on comprehending something technical and detailed that I am attempting to read. That was the trick I used in college, on those occasional times that I attempted to study in a productive way....

[Jen on the Edge]

We get that a lot with our younger girl. We knew when she was four that she had ADHD, but waited until the recommended age of 6 before getting an official diagnosis. Then we tried everything except medication for two more years -- changing her diet, increasing her exercise, fish oil supplements, etc. Finally, last year, we tried medication. We didn't tell anyone except the teacher and the school nurse. Interestingly enough, lots of people noticed changes immediately and made a point to tell us about it. And our girl said she definitely felt more together and focused at school.

[Jane]

Thank you for this! My youngest has the F problem, too. We're always saying "Focus, #2son, Focus" It's partly why we chose Montessori for him. We felt it would honor his F problem - so far, so good. But it's so nice to hear others have dealt with it, ARE dealing with it, without the use of drugs or discipline.

[Erin]

As you know, I am well-versed in F-word. I might even be an expert at it. There are so many different varieties along the continuum of attention concerns... I wish people would understand that better. The media does a terrible job of cookie-cuttering this type of thing. And while medicine is extremely helpful for many people (and I sometimes very very necessary), it doesn't have to be - and shouldn't be, the only answer.

Anyway, I am glad you first born is so f-ing successful as a student now. I'm sure some of it is due to his f-ing awesome mom.

xo

[Sprite's Keeper]

My nephew was diagnosed at 5 with ADHD. He's such a special little guy and turning 10 this year. Focus has always been his issue.

[Mama Badger]

Ugh. ADHD. A dr once suggested I walk around with a small radio tuned to static all day so that I could just begin to understand ADHD.

I'm glad that you guys were able to joke about it and make it work for you (why am I not surprised?). Some folks get way to serious and spend too much time F-ing on the disease and not the cure!

[LPC]

Film school. A place where it's GOOD if the dreams behind your eyes are more compelling than the homework in front of them.

[Heather]

I guess if I had been in school at the time of knowing about ADHD, I would have been tested.

I was and still am no good at the F-word.

[kathryn]

Yes, I'll bet his kindergarten teacher WOULD be SO freakin' proud!

Film school? Doesn't surprise me....he's got the creative gene-thang going on.

I'm glad you two can laugh about it...it just requires some adjustment, is all. And with a great mom like you, it's not hard at all.

[Menopausal New Mom]

Great post. Good that you have such a great sense of humor as you deal with teachers and do such a great job raising your kids. What kid didn't stare out the window, for me it was during history class, that one could put me to sleep faster than a shot of demerol will today!

[Smart Mouth Broad]

We had a few F words at our house too. And also not the one that usually comes to mind. LOL

[Gropius]

Nice post. Our son is ADHD and we've been through many F-ing stages with it. Nice to hear the stories of others who are struggling with F-ing. :) And in all seriousness, it's a tough one. There are people out there still who insist that it doesn't actually exist. We're looking forward to the gifts it will bring when he's no longer forced to sit for such long periods in a classroom!

[Jill]

All of your posts catch my gaze and I focus!

[Jason]

Great F-ing post! Now. I must say. That it is important. To F when you're F-ing.

[lisleman]

good post - Interesting that you didn't mention medications which seems all too common. I have a two daughters/teachers and one of them went into special ed and is now a reading specialist. I've learn from her about the problems some kids face.

All the best to you and your son.

[Jen]

I was told all about ADD and ADHD with my son. It too became predictable. My son had no problem focusing on things he was interested in and could get lost in thought for hours at a time with things he wanted to learn more about. Many of his teachers were horribly frustrated. Luckily for us he is now taking classes from teachers he likes and respects and thankfully understand him. When he was young all his teachers suggested medication, his doctor never did, which told me a lot about his teachers. I have known several people who were put on medication at an early age and while I am sure it helps a lot of people I have yet to meet one who didn't resent being put on medication.

[Kate]

I can't tell you how many parents I talk to about this that get so angry at me. Apparently most teachers don't use the "f" word anymore and then parents hear it from me and freak out. Although I use the "your child has attention difficulties." We are legally not able to use the words ADD or ADHD because then we would have to pay to get them tested.
Why do parents think this is the worst news in the world? I also hear a lot of "but she can sit and read a whole book" or "he sits and watches TV all afternoon" always with the "when he/she is doing that there almost has to be a fire to get their attention." This is a huge sign (just like with your son), but parents believe it is the reason that their child doesn't have attention difficulties.
My husband (we believe, since it was never officially diagnosed) has ADD and I anticipate that my son might have the same difficulties. I have seen the difference medication and even just life style changes makes. It lets those children be the person that is dying to get out. No one wants to to be so distracted.

[kys]

I am easily distracted, too. That's why I can't get anything accomplished!

[Jan]

ADD and ADHD are two of the most over-diagnosed (as well as incorrectly diagnosed) syndromes today. I've had teachers tell me both of my sons were ADD (neither of them are hyperactive) - and I've had doctors tell me that it was complete and utter bullspit. Both of my son's IQs are *exceedingly* high, with writing/verbal skills far exceeding their ages (when Oldest Son was in the 7th grade, his writing/verbal skills tested on a college level - long story, there). Their poor performance in school (and Oldest Son's was spectacularly crappy) had far less to do with any problems focusing than it did with simple boredom.

I finally found out with The Young One why the school staff, at least here in Ohio, pressed me so much to get a "formal" diagnosis - they were even willing to give me the names of doctors who would confirm it. Why? Because when a child is diagnosed with a "learning disability" their scores don't count on the state state's standardized testing. In other words, the student's poor performance on those state standardized tests won't affect the school's standing with the state's Board of Education.

Am I a little bitter about the whole subject? OH, YEAH.

[Picture Imperfect]

You are such a great F-ing writer Maureen. I love your sense of humour. I see your First-Born son has inherited your creative nature. Congratu-Fing-lations! ;o)