The Middle Place

 

My parents, like a lot of people, have had a tough year.

My father, 78, has had one health problem after another. The last couple of months they've dealt with the removal of a rather deep melanoma (the most serious type of skin cancer) below his eye, then a complicated skin graft at this site.

It required three surgeries, drains, packing, multiple dressing changes for the large amounts of bleeding and drainage, and many different medications. My mother, never much of a nurse herself, has been the one to perform all these required tasks.

In addition, the hospital where the doctor practices and the surgeries were performed is over an hours drive from their Florida home. My mother hates to drive. My father has always done the driving for both of them. He even took her to the grocery store or the mall, and ran errands with her. Until now.

In reality, the past couple of years he'd also been there to offer her physical support. She suffered from polio as a teen, and these last years her muscles, never strong to begin with, have grown increasingly weak and, at times, downright unreliable.

I think my mother is upset that my dad, usually the strong one, has now put her in the unenviable position of caretaker. I don't blame her, but I also don't know if there's a solution.

It's been many years since they moved from New Jersey, where my sister and I still lived at the time. They hated the ice and snow. But originally New Yorkers, they were genuinely appalled when I moved my family to this "God-forsaken island."

My job and my younger daughter, as well as my finances, prevent me from hopping on a plane to buzz down there and help her out as I wish I could. Don't misunderstand; if my parents were very ill, or even required an extended hospital stay, I would find a way to be there.

But it's these smaller, ongoing, chronic if you will, episodes, so common as our parents grow older, that are the hardest to handle without family nearby.

I hope not to be in the same boat one day. But who knows?

"I should have had more children," my mother complained over the phone recently.

"But then they'd just be far away as well," I said (my sister now lives in Arizona).

"Maybe not," she argued. "Maybe they'd live close by and be here all the time."

"Yes," I agreed. "Our unborn children are always the most loyal, aren't they?"

Even she had to laugh.

Do you all live near enough to help out your folks if they need it? Or are you, like me, impossibly far away? I'm pretty sure both can be a blessing and a curse. But it'd be nice to know how other people are handling it...

 

Comments

[SuziCate]

I understand what you're going through.Both of my parents and my husband's mother...all about four hours a way. Doesn't seem that far, but just not feasable to go every time they have a dr.'s apt. Still, we feel guilty when we can't be there. It's tough when you're stuck between children who need you and parents who need you and you can't be everywhere and everything for everyone. Love your statement about the loyalty of unborn children!

[Jan]

Both of my parents are gone, and Beloved's parents are still pretty healthy for people in their mid-70s; they own an obscenely huge RV and travel all over the country. They come to Ohio for a couple of months in the summer and we see them then.

However, Beloved and his mother are JUST ALIKE, and when they get to the point where the traveling is no longer feasible, we will not be their caretakers - my husband and my MIL would kill each other within a week of having to deal with one another constantly. Fortunately, his youngest sister, who lives just a few miles from us, is willing to take over that role.

[Sandi]

My grandmother is 90 and in good health for a 90 year old, but she needs help. My mother lives near her, but my aunt (my mother's sister) lives in South Carolina, so everything is on my 67-year-old mother. The aunt promised, when when she moved 5 years ago, to come up every 6 weeks and help, etc. Alas, that has never happened and my mother is truly resentful of her because of this (oh and a million other things, too, they I won't mention here, but the aunt is an ass).

[LPC]

I just like your line, "Our unborn children are always the most loyal." Ha! Well, yes. My parents are both still in good health, thank everything thankable. Both with partners in good health. But the eighties approach and we shall only hope. And continue to thank.

[Sprite's Keeper]

Thank heavens both sets of parents (John's and mine) are within 2 hours from where we are. Another thanks that they are healthy with no chronic problems. I know, at least for my family, if either were to require more care, the other parent would be able to do it without fail. But if I'm needed, even for the weekends, I would be there in a heartbeat.
(Also, my sister lives 5 minutes away from them, so she'll probably be the first call..)

[Diane]

Yeah, I sort of know what you mean. After my father passed, my mommy remarried and now lives in another state. She and my stepdad are reasonably healthy, but each year takes a mild toll. I generally visit once or twice per year. I don't know what it will be like if one of them develops a serious illness or suffers a frightening injury.

[Lora]

I'm 400 miles away from my parents (in two different directions!) and about a half hour from my inlaws. They are all very young, still in their 50s.

I wonder what it will be like when they need us.

[Mama Badger]

We chose to move to Ohio to be near Dan's family. We figure at first, it will benefit us (help with kids and such) and as his parents age, it will end up as a benefit to them.

Sorry to hear that your parents aren't at their best. We're currently trying to talk to my FIL about what will happen when he and my MIL get to this point. He refuses to deal with it before it happens, though. sigh. parents, when will they ever listen?

[Angelia (Texas)]

Suzicate sent me by.

Good post, and something most of us will face in this lifetime. I feel guilty because I don't do well when my parents are sick. My bio dad is in the hospital right now. It's really tough, I'm about three hours away. My brother handles it a lot better than me. I haven't even seen him yet.

Major guilt, yep.

[lisleman]

There are as many situations as there are people. My parents have been gone for sometime now. The last two months of my mom's life was a constant care situation. Looking back I'm so glad that I didn't live too far away. One sister lived farther away and didn't get to share as many of those last days. Care giving certainly is an emotional issue that can damage family relationships.

My wife and I just last night heard a talk from an Iraqi who was shot 15 times by an AK-47 and spent 9 months in a hospital. He considers himself lucky and is grateful for each day. Very inspiring to hear his views on life.

All the best to your family.

[class factotum]

My husband's parents, who are in poor health (much of it self-inflicted from a bottle), live far away. His brother and SIL live 15 minutes from his parents, but the parents don't want their help, even though it is repeatedly offered. They have not investigated assisted living. They will not look into area senior services (which I have researched).

Their solution - I am not making this up - is for my husband, who already travels more than 50% of the time and works 70 hrs/wk, to go there at least 2x a year to do their chores.

Last T'giving, we spent the week cleaning their garage, the yard, the cat poop on the floor near the cat box, the ceiling fans, the fridge, etc. Yes, they have a cleaning lady. Yes, the have a lawn service. Yes, they have teenage grandchildren. No, they don't want the (very sweet, willing) grandkids to do it. They'd have to supervise! and well that would be inconvenient.

On T'giving day, FIL wanted my husband to fix the garbage disposal. You know - b/c there are no plumbers in Florida. So what if it turned into a huge problem and my husband's afternoon was ruined?

The best present my husband has ever given me was on our wedding night when we slept on the pullout bed in the basement as his parents, already on day 3 of their 9-day stay in our house and in our bed because of course they cannot take stairs, turned to me and said, "They will NEVER live with us. NEVER."

[Heather]

My dad has had numerous mini-strokes, heart attacks, lung issues and diabetes. Over the last 10yrs he's been in and out of the hospital too many times to count. He has now been diagnosed with cancer and the doctors say there is nothing that they can do, because his health is so bad, he would never survive the surgeries that are needed.

We live about 70 miles away and at first I was there at the hospital every time, thinking he was going to die. That man is too stubborn to die!

I don't get to see them very often, maybe twice a year now. My hubby has the only good truck and he's gone 90% of the time at work, but I talk to them several times a day.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

I understand your dilema. I'm close but don't plan to be in the years to come. Being the only child to a widow, I worry what that might entail.

[Picture Imperfect]

Hi Maureen,

I live about six blocks away from my folks. They live in the house that they bought when I was three so it's really cool to go visit.

My parents are both very young so currently they don't need any help at all from me. But I'll be here when/if they need me. I can't imagine I'll move away from Whitehorse but you never know how things can change over the years.

[A Mom on Spin]

Oh, I live next-door to my folks. My sister lives WITH them and another sister lives up the hill.

So unusual, I know, today.

[Jen on the Edge]

I sympathize with your situation. I also think that, if your parents had really hoped to have help during their later years, they wouldn't have moved so far away. Don't beat yourself up with guilt.

My parents are two hours away. At this point, they are still caring for my grandmother.

My husband's mother is 1,200 miles away, but two of her children live nearby.

My husband's father and stepmother are currently seven hours away, but in the process of moving down here near us. We all think it's a good thing, especially as my father-in-law is aging rapidly and has had a number of health issues.

[Erin]

My parents live a hop, skip and a jump from you... so perhaps you won't mind stepping in with your mad nursing skillz...

Seriously, a few of my siblings live closer, and my parents seem to be on this extreme healthy living kick. Thankfully we don't have to worry about this for a while. Our youngest sis, who does not have kids, thinks she will be stepping in for the caretaking duties (which makes her a total angel).

It's tough to be in the middle. We are sort of there with the other half's dad. He is a very active 86, but really can't handle living on his own...

[Lynn]

Oh my, Maureen. This post struck a chord. My father contracted polio when he was 18 while working in a lumber camp in Northern BC, and what with that and really, really unwise lifestyle choices, which we won't go into but it's ugly and sad, he's in really bad shape. He still lives in BC. My sister lives fairly close and has been trying to help, but he won't accept anything except the occasional grocery shopping trip, which is a difficult with Sis trying to heft him out of the chair and into the van, and Dad without the use of his legs and with weaker and weaker arms. It's getting to the point where he simply is not safe living alone, and the house is falling down around him, but he refuses to discuss other options, which Sis has looked into, and the longer he keeps his head solidly in the ground, the fewer options are available to him. It's something my sister is really struggling with--and me, as well. There's always a certain amount of guilt at not being there to help, but being there now isn't possible, so we struggle along the best we can, and I'm always here for sis to call. It's heartbreaking and hard.

Mom, thankfully, is healthy and has prepared for her future. There may be a time when she'll need taken care of, but it will be an entirely different situation than what we're dealing with now. Thank goodness.

Reading your post and the comments above, it is comforting to know that others are struggling with the same types of issues. Thank you.

[Brenda]

Terrific post...such an intense topic and something I bet many people our age are either facing or dreading. I'm lucky b/c my sister lives 5 min away from my parents. I owe her a big one for that (and for living down South in general). No major health problems but we sense they're coming...

[Jill]

I'm a 12 hour drive away. And I'm an only child...but I do have one stepbrother that are very responsible...which is great since he was an utter asshole growing up. My cousin also steps in, but I'm fortunate that my parents are in good health overall. I know I should visit more often. I just hate leaving my husband.

I've picked him over them and I feel a little guilty about it.

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

I'm sorry your parents are going through this.

My folks, who were both born to woman over 40 had to take care of their parents in the later years. They've done what they can financially and insurance wise to insure that we aren't saddled with that burden. I don't live close, but my sister lives 2 miles away and my brother is 300.

I would go help if I had to; hopefully it never comes to that.

[kathryn]

Yes, it's a mixed blessing either way. I do believe the answer is that our parents (and, subsequently WE) should never have to grow old.

My dad turns 80 next month. Us three girls are within an hour of him...my brother's halfway across the country.

Regardless, we never seem to see/call enough, according to Dad.

Love that line about the unborn children being the perfect ones!

[kys]

I am 800 miles away from my parents. They were in a similar situation a few years ago when my dad had 6 bypasses. My mom had never even pumped her own gas.

[Dreamfarmgirl]

I am lucky that both my parents and my husband's parents live within 100 miles of us. But even so, we can't help out whenever needed due to jobs and our own responsibilities. But it is nice to be able to get to them regularly and help out some. I can imagine it is very hard for you. But they are the ones who moved to Florida; they could hardly expect everyone to follow!

[Pseudo]

This is a constant for my sisters and I lately. Long story, maybe a post or three, but my mom will need help soon and she doesn't really take help well.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

Thank goodness I was only a mile away when my mother had terminal cancer. Dropping everything to care for her was one of the best things I've ever done--and the fact that I was there for her did make it easier to deal with her death.

I will never do that for my dad. He didn't rearrange his life for me as a child--he has not earned me doing it for him. I won't be cruel (I still see him and talk to him), but I cannot and will not do for him what I did for my mother.

I have thought about the fact that I am a little lucky that my in-laws live 2,000 miles away and have two daughters who will shoulder that burden someday.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I have survived melanoma for 5 years now. It's a very scary cancer. My parents are far away. I grew up here, but they retired out of state since California is so expensive. Their health isn't as great lately and it worries me a lot. They're out on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

[PLRH]

Hi, I'm here via suzicate.

I live in southwest Florida... a transplant from NJ. :) By mere coincidence, my parents live 2 miles from me and my mother-in-law lives about 40 minutes away. The close, extended family is both a blessing and a strain.

Over the years, my father has had prostate cancer, melanoma with reconstructive surgery to his nose, cataract surgery, and an upgrade to his hip replacement. My mother has had double knee replacement. On the flip side, I had spinal fusion surgery last year.

I wish your father (and mother) the best of luck.

[Casey]

Sorry to hear they're going through such tough times. I'm in Tampa, are they nearby? I'll trade them driving to dr's visits for free babysitting. ;)

My parents are only about 45 minutes away but it might as week be hours since they both work full time and my kids are still on a pretty strict nap/sleep schedule. We get over to see them probably every other weekend.