Female Troubles

 

I was thinking today about how far we've come in terms of being open about women's health issues. Society, I mean.

When my ex mother-in-law was only a young mother in her 20's, she lost her own mother to cancer. To this day she has no idea what kind of cancer it was.

"Oh," she'll say dismissively, "nobody talked about such things."

Many health topics pertaining to women just weren't spoken of. My father took this to extremes. I remember him once mentioning a female business colleague at the dinner table, and how she was doing poorly.

Ever curious, I piped up, "What's the matter with her?"

As children were generally supposed to be "seen and not heard," he glowered at me before lowering his voice significantly to say, "I'm not sure...Female Troubles."

I had no idea what the hell those were.. But it sounded deep and dark, and clearly I understood I should inquire no further.

As I got older however, I enjoyed making waves.

When I came home during college I would challenge him. "Women's troubles, dad? What does that mean? Is it (and here I would whisper) down there?"

He would look to my mother for help, but, to her credit, she would be laughing too.

When I finally told First-Born Son he was to be a big brother, I made sure to explain that the baby was growing in my uterus, not my stomach. I was following parenting advice I'd read which warned that if I didn't make this clear, he might surmise I'd eaten the baby or some ridiculous crap like that.

The very next day after I'd told him the good news, my parents came over. First-Born Son, only three at the time, ran to greet them at the door.

"Poppy," he shrieked. "Mommy has a baby growing. In her uterus!"

I thought my father would pass out. I'm betting he could've gone his whole life without acknowledging that either of his daughters even had a uterus.

First-Born Son today is, of course, more modern and open about these things than my dad. But in our house with all its estrogen, the girls and I have been known to bring up certain subjects just to give him a hard time. Tough boy that he is, he rarely cringes. But that doesn't mean we won't stop trying.

As I head toward The Big Change, I can't help but try and think of yet another way to yank both his and my father's chains. I'm not yet peri-menopausal, but at 48, I anticipate the big arrival any second now.

I envision myself calling my parents and getting my poor father on the phone.

"Guess what, Dad? I just had my first hot flash!"

How do you think that would go over?

Or maybe, better yet, I could get First-Born Son to make the call and tell him for me.

 

Comments

[Michele]

JR doesn't get too creeped out when I say something about my "women's parts" but our oldest boy would rather not hear it. The youngest boy is studying to become a doctor. Doesn't bother him at all. I think this may be be a generational thing. My mother will talk about stuff like this with me but not my brother. Her mother wouldn't have talk about it with her.

[Vincent]

Your own private Summer, eh.
I bet you do not get the reference. But if you say it in a Georgia Belle accent !!!!!. :D

[SuziCate]

You are right. Maybe my sister should post how her hubby cover his ears every time she or their three daughters mention anything about "female" parts or troubles!

[LPC]

That is hysterical. How Victorian, and how perfectly modern Jane Austen of you to tease your father as you have:).

[PLRH]

I would have loved to have seen your father's face when he heard the word uterus come out of your son's mouth!

Like you, I've always used the proper names for body parts. But for some reason "testicles" still makes my 13-yr-old giggle and blush. I've told him that I'm going to use the word everyday until he's no longer embarrassed by it. You wouldn't believe how many ways the rest of us can work "testicles" into a conversation.

You've given me a great idea for a blog post. Thanks!

[Heather]

Great post! LOL! once again, you are hilarious! I can see your fathers face, I saw it once on my grandfathers face. I was trying to tell my grandmother of my female troubles and of course grampie was right there. Too funny!! He had to get up and leave the room and I thought for a moment grammie was going to go with him!

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

Hilarious!

LMAO at "Is it down there?"

[Sprite's Keeper]

Oh, please make First Born do it! I'm already giggling at the responsive silence!

[Picture Imperfect]

"I thought my father would pass out. I'm betting he could've gone his whole life without acknowledging that either of his daughters even had a uterus."

This is AWESOME! Reminds me of pretty much any man in my family. My dad is about the most easy going out of all of them; he even bought me pads once when I was a teenager. But if he can help it; he won't talk about any of this stuff!!!

[Kimberly]

Very funny!
You must devise a plan for you son to tell your dad and then post about it. That would be great!

[Kimberly]

As I left your site I remembered using the "female trouble" excuse all through Jr High and High School PE, with the male coaches of course. They never wanted to hear about it and would just tell us to sit on the bleachers and watch. I don't know if they ever realized that basically half the PE class sat out on most days with female troubles and if they did, they certainly didn't want to explore it further.

[lisleman]

I like the last idea the best. Give your dad a hot flash. I think the startling thing is a 3 yr-old that can pronounce uterus.

[kys]

Make sure you tell him in person so you can see the uncomfortable look on his face.

My parents still say "female trouble" sometimes instead of the actual terms. I press them on it, too.

[Mama Badger]

Bwah ha! Your poor Dad. And with no testosterone for support! I'm pretty sure my FIL would utter the words, if he had to. He prefers to remain silent on all matters of health, though.

When PB was a rowing coach, he kept all manner of feminine protection in his tool box, just in case one of the girls needed it. He was pretty matter of fact about the whole thing. I think I might be more prudish than he is. Engineer=very practical.

[Smart Mouth Broad]

Oh boy, would I love to be there on that day!

[Midlife Mama]

This is a great story! At 51, I was severely perimenopausal before my hysterectomy last summer. I am now on a low-dose bio-identical estrogen replacement, and I couldn't be happier. I was having terrible "female problems" that were making me severely anemic and to be free of the monthly stuff is absolute heaven. I realize that's not the point of your story but ... oh stop laughing; you'll be there soon enough! hahaha :)

[Erin]

My boy was asking about someone's health recently, and I swear I said "girl problems". Pretty modern and hip of me, eh?
I have 4 sisters and only one brother. My father was pretty cool about girl stuff. He had no choice, really.

[Gropius]

Oh yes. Pawning news on your chidren to communicate for you is one right of motherhood. Go for it! ...But ah, you never know what the new word might be for menopause. Lingo has gotten so out of control these days. I tagged you on Gropius. Maybe you'll play? Always love your humor/ serious combo factor!

[Vintage Simple]

Go for it. But do it in person. (heehee!)

xo,
-maria

[PD]

Hah! I can relate. I just had to explain what a douche bag was to my 9-year-old son (one of his charming little classmates called him one.) This was just two days after he asked me what a condom was... My son is an only child so when these other kids with older siblings come in and share their new-found knowledge it really makes it hard on us parents who try to shield their kids from the world. But I did promise to truthfully answer all questions when asked. Now it's coming back to bite me. I did ask for a break from any more questions for the rest of the week. He thought that was a riot!

[Dreamfarmgirl]

So true about our parents era. My mother wouldn't even talk about female parts or processes -- it was just, did you see the film at school? Good. I worked hard at being open with my children, but it was uncomfortable for me. Still, I made myself do it. Good for you to start at age 3 calling organs their proper names -- hilarious!

By the way, I'm 48 and I'm done! Not with the hot flashes, apparently those continue on even after you're postmenopausal, at least in some degree. But anyway, it wasn't too bad at all. Nothing in comparison to having all those useless periods. Your turn will be here soon!

[Twenty Four At Heart]

My kids are ok w/hearing about body parts. BUT - the very thought that their parents may have ever had sex is too much to consider. : )

[She Writes]

You may give your dad his first hot flash :0!

[jessica]

my father will only say:

Your mother went to see "HER" doctor

[Jan]

My mother once asked my step-father to run to the store for some sanitary napkins - I thought he was going to keel over from a brain embolism right then and there.

Beloved, fortunately, has no such hang ups. And like 24, my kids are fine with body parts and their functions, but hint that Mom has a sex life? They do NOT want to hear about it.

[class factotum]

"Engineer=very practical."

You are so right! I was visiting my then-boyfriend/now husband and needed some pads. I couldn't reach the top shelf where the generic ones were. Asked him - he starts pulling stuff out, comparing prices IN A NORMAL TONE OF VOICE. I ask him to shush, he asks why? I ask him why he is so nonchalant and he says, "I raised two stepdaughters and had a lazy ex-wife. Someone had to do the shopping."

[Casey]

Oh that's hilarious. I don't think I've ever discussed any girl issues with my dad but I"m just fine with that. My husband has no problem buying me tampons or talking girl stuff though so we're good.

[Jane]

Great post! Love the "is it down there?" comment! My boys have always called their penis: their penis. And now they're educating the kids on the playground about proper terminology. Now THAT was an interesting phone call from the teacher!

[Joanie M]

Don't hold your breath, waiting for peri-menopause. I'm 54 and still going strong. I keep telling God it's time to pass this off to some sweet young 13 year old and give me a break. So far he hasn't granted my request. He teases sometimes, making me wait a week or 2 but "it" (hehehe) eventually shows up, ruining my weekend and the better part of the next week.

[kathryn]

Oh, hysterical! You've got this hilarious dark side to you, Maureen! I'll bet you've been known to blind-side many a poor, unsuspecting soul...

I learned very early on what "TMI" meant...thanks to da boys...who are basically mortified if I even hint at referring to myself as anything other than laundress/cleaner/chauffeur, etc. (Notice I didn't say "cook")

Evidently, we're not allowed to be human...at least, not to da boys. If you think of a good zinger, pass it on! I've got 3 sons, a brother and a dad...I'll happily try it out!

[Lora]

I love this!
When I had to tell my dad that I had Lady Cancer, I thought he was going to die. I ate it right up. I said, "Dad, they found cancer in my uterus and on my cervix and on the upper half of my vagina. Most likely, I'll have to have some of my uterus and some cervix and possibly even some of my vagina removed."

And then when my son was born with testicular issues, I got to pull out the testicles card as often as I deemed necessary.

As much as it sucks to grow up in a family riddled with reproductive issues, it sure is fun to be the first generation who actually talks about it!

[Jen]

My mother died of ovarian cancer and her mother of uterine cancer. These things have to be talked about otherwise treatment won't come soon enough. Good for you for being so open.
Thanks for the kind words on my last post. I really appreciate it.

[Constructive Attitude]

Lolllllll
i say you totally have first born son do that!!! that would be hilarious

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

You always make me laugh and this post was no exception. You're so clever! I don't know how my dad feels about this stuff- I've never heard him mention it. But I don't recall my mother being bashful at all. So maybe they just agreed she'd do the talking!

[Walter]

The time where your father have grown may have not been open to such issues about women. And so he's extending it into your generation. But things do change. :-)

[Peggy]

SuziCate is right. to this day my husband doesn't talk about those things. He's funny. All his female employees know if they want the day off the just say they are having "girl" trouble & wants to hear NO more!