Patients I Can't Forget: Teddy

My first night on pediatrics, a 19 year-old boy coded and died. Unexpectedly and out of the blue.

I'd been a med/surg RN for a year, and because of this experience, I was transferred to Nights on peds after only a week of Day orientation.

One of my patients was a six week-old baby, in to rule-out meningitis. She was fine, to be discharged in the morning. There were no parents staying the night with her, unusual, but not unheard of. No meds, no IV's. Just feed her and change her.

Yet I was freaking out inside. "How often do  I feed her?" I asked the other nurses. I mean, what did I know about a newborn? I was 22.

"Do I wake her up or let her sleep? How do I know when she's eaten enough?"

They smiled reassuringly. "She'll let you know. You'll be fine."

The baby slept on and I tended to my other patients. The night was quiet.

Then Teddy coded.

He'd woken up to pee. But instead, his mother reported, he opened his mouth and out came the blood. For some reason she attempted to catch it in  cups. She thought we might want to test it later, see where it was from.

Teddy was not my patient, but I knew him from my week on day-shift, a fun, sarcastic, 19 year-old kid. He'd been diagnosed with leukemia at age 11, gone into remission, and been fine.

Then, the year before, he'd relapsed. And, although the chemo was helping, it had left him susceptible to a terrible fungal infection in his lungs.

Later, we would find out that the infection had eaten away at his pulmonary artery. Which picked that moment that he'd gotten up to pee to burst.

Because we didn't know this at the time, and didn't realize nothing we did was going to help, we worked on him for almost two hours. Pushing drugs, CPR, hanging blood.

His mother lost it when the nursing supervisor tried to pour the cups of blood down the sink. In her bathrobe, she got on the elevator and disappeared. The nursing supervisor went after her.

I ran to the blood bank, two, three times. Then hovered in the doorway, mostly watching the five, ten, it seemed like a hundred, people working on him.

Until, from somewhere down the long corridor, I heard my six week-old cry. I went to her and, without thinking, changed her diaper, popped open a bottle, and sat down in that dimly-lit room to feed her.

While I was rocking her back to sleep, her father appeared in the doorway. He looked exhausted. "I couldn't get back to sleep," he confessed. "I figured I might as well be here."

I handed her off and went back down the hall. The code was over, time-of-death recorded on the chart. Teddy's mother had reappeared with his father and sister, and they were saying goodbye.

The day nurses slowly drifted in. When my new head-nurse arrived, she put her hand on my shoulder and leaned down close to my ear.

"Welcome to peds," she said.

Working with sick children was like that. Most of them, like that baby, got better and went home. I see their smiling faces, their happy families, as one big blur.

Other kids, fewer, got sicker or died. And even these many years later, I remember every one.

 

Comments

[SuziCate]

That must have been so difficult losing patients. But I'm sure as equality heart warming to think of all the many people you helped through the years. What an honorable profession.

[Ocean Girl]

I can only take happy stories Maureen.

[Ocean Girl]

It must have been hard on you and you can never forget.

[Erin]

Heartbreaking. But you must have loved to have been there still.

[Michele]

My mother-in-law wanted me to be a nurse but I just didn't think I could handle it emotionally. You guys are the bravest people I know.

[Libby]

I cannot even imagine being in that situation. Yours, or that poor Mom.

[Pseudo]

Heartbreaking story Maureen. Puts other problems in perspective though.

[Kristen @ Motherese]

Tiny Baby spiked a fever at five weeks and we spent a few days in the hospital to rule out meningitis and other scary infections - just like the baby in your care in the story. After it was clear that he would fine, all I could think about during those days was how lucky we were to be one of the families assured of going home, to have a child sick, but getting better.

Nurses like you tended to him gently and expertly; I can't imagine how big all of your hearts must be to have so much love to share with sick children, especially those like Teddy who you may know you will lose.

I hope you are feeling better, Maureen, and that you were cared for by nurses as wonderful as yourself.

[Julie]

Thanks for sharing this story. I think nurses are some of the most courageous people I know. To be able to spend days and nights poised on the Thin Line between life and death, especially with children takes huge strength and heart. Stories like this remind the rest of us who get to wander oblivious most of the time how arbitrary and how blessed our lives are.
Along with Kristen, I hope you received the kind and tender care in your recovery that you have given to others.

[Casey]

Oh Maureen, that was such a sad story. I really can't imagine working somewhere and seeing those kinds of things day in and day out.

[LPC]

I could never have done that work. I am amazed that you did. Amazed at people, actually, who can.

[Jane]

What an amazing woman you are. I love your insight, your kindness, your compassion. I hope you received such amazing care, as well. Hope you're doing well. Thinking of you!

[The gold digger]

Oh so unfair for a child to die. An older person has lived a full life. Yes, we are still sad to see him go, but we don't feel that he has been cheated. But to watch a child die. That's enough to turn a believer into an atheist at the injustice of it all. Thank you for being there to make it easier on the parents. It surely must help them to know there is someone who cares and suffers with them when their children are sick.

[KLM]

I'm glad you shared this with us,although it brought tears it also brought a smile as well knowing that people like you are there for families who need your strengh.

[Mama Badger]

Glad to see you posting, so you must feel at least ok?

Nurses are amazing people, regardless of how you think of yourselves. Every time I deal with a good nurse, I think that. When we had little o in the hospital in December? I couldn't imagine how the nurse could let all those little people into her heart so readily, knowing she might lose one of them in a day or a week. But she cuddled and comforted him, and reassured us at the same time. I'd never be able to stand it losing those kids and having to watch their parents?

I'm betting it's horrible to watch, but the recoveries make it worth the pain? I hope they do. They would never make up for it, but they're something to hold on to, I guess.

[Diane]

what a chilling experience. I can almost feel the anxiety and near-panic from here.

hope you're feeling a wee bit better!?!!

[Constructive Attitude]

I think it's impossible to forget it. Even if you wanted to. But I'm glad you said FEWER.

Are you still an RN? (This is my sister's last semester before she is an official RN)

Hope you're feeling better after the surgery :) :)

[Ginger]

What a heartbreaking story. But I was afraid you were going to say something bad happened to the baby, while you were attending to the leukemia patient. Glad that wasn't the case.

Also glad to see you back.

[Bumby Ssott]

Everyone has a moment in history which belongs particularly to him. It is the moment when his emotions achieve their most powerful sway over him, and afterward when you say to this person "The world today" or "Life" or "Reality" He will assume that you mean this moment, even if it is fifty years past. The world, through his unleashed emotions, imprinted itself upon him, and he carries the stamp of that passing moment forever.

(Separate Peace) John Knowles

Thank you for sharing one of those moments.

Always Bumby

[Sprite's Keeper]

I know for a fact I don't have the resolve to be a nurse if only for the fact that I can't only have happy endings. Wonderful, but sad story.

[Lynn]

I was wondering about you this week. I somehow missed your posts. Not sure how, cos here you are!

Very poignant story, Maureen. Those of you who work with pediatric patients have a special place reserved for you in heaven, on a bench right next to the playground where you can watch all of your patients at play. At least that's what I think. Such courage.

[Gropius]

It takes such special angel on earth to care for children who are sick. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to serve this way when the outcome was not good. Always wonder about those kids--if they're little angels themselves and just have a litte to finish up here on Earth before moving on...

[Peggy]

Not fair to make me cry so early in the morning. Great insightful post though. You are obviously an amazing woman. It takes a very special person to do what you do. Kudos to you and the rest of your profession! Thanks for all you do.

[Tracie]

I don't think I could be a nurse and deal with these kinds of situations every day.

[Kate]

I was so glad to hear from you in my inbox!! I'm glad surgery went well and you are on the road to recovery!

P.S. I could never do what nurses to an a daily basis. After spending 3 month in the hospital what I have to say is that nurses are the unsung and underpaid people in the health industry. They made more of a difference in my recovery than any one other thing.

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

I couldn't do it. Thank God for those like you who are there for the children and the parents. An amazing post that made me want to sob and I would have if my three year old wasn't sitting next to me and I didn't want to freak him out!

[dreamfarmgirl]

Oh, such a sad story. I can't imagine being a young nurse of just 22 and dealing with that...must have been incredibly hard. My heart aches for the mother. You wrote this so beautifully; the details of the mother trying to catch his blood in cups and later so upset at the nurse's disposal of it -- it just breaks my heart. I can't imagine what that poor mother was going through.

I admire the incredible work that you and all nurses do.

[Jan]

Oh, jeez.

(((Maureen)))

[Bert]

I'm sure this story was difficult to write, an event in your life that must haunt you from time to time. I admire your bravery to write about it, good for you.

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

I cannot imagine how to cope with that. I felt like I was there when reading this. So glad you're back, Maureen.

[Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt]

There is no way I could be strong like you through situations like that. Shit, I'm balling at my computer....

[Patty]

Wow. I think this is one of many reasons (along with my not liking blood or other bodily secretions. Oh, and the fact that I never did well in science) I decided to be a teacher rather than a nurse. How do you do it?

[kathryn]

Oh, poor Teddy. Poor Teddy's mother....

As a mom, this is never easy to hear. I know for you nurses, it's a fact of life.

I couldn't do it.

No way...

[Heather]

How horrifying. I have always known I couldn't work in a hospital. I would have broke down and cried right along with the family.

You are a tough girl and thankfully you were there for that baby and many many more.

[Vintage Simple]

I feel silly because I used to be a teacher and I thought that was hard. I couldn't be a nurse. Teaching was emotionally draining enough as it was... Being a nurse? Holy crap. Especially a pediatric nurse. I am glad there are people out there like you.

xoxo,
-maria

[TheKitchenWitch]

Absolutely haunting. I have goosebumps. It takes a very strong woman to work peds. Wow.