A Better Beach Blanket

First-Born Son recently went with his GF's family on their annual vacation to the Outer Banks. He was gone for almost two weeks and he barely called the whole time.

I know, I know; he's 22, I'm expecting too much. Damn straight!

Apparently cell phone service was difficult to come by. "Have you ever heard of a pay phone?" I asked. "I don't suppose you looked for one of those?"

"A pay phone?" Even through the phone I could hear him shaking his head, albeit with great affection. "You're funny Mom."

Well, I thought, anything to entertain.

He went on to tell me what a great time they were having. How wonderfully he was getting along with the family. Everyone was taking turns cooking dinner and it was his turn that night. He had to get off the phone so he and the GF could go food shopping.

I was happy for him, really I was. Yet at the same time microscopic pinpricks of jealousy jabbed at my heart.

He liked their family better than ours. He wanted to be with them more than us.

I envisioned us, years down the road, me begging him to come visit. So I could see him, see my grandchildren. Him patiently explaining that they had "other plans."

You don't have to tell me I'm a big fat irrational baby; I've got it. But I can't help it.

"It's the potato-chips-on-the-beach-blanket all over again," The Ex said, when I confessed my petty complaint.

He was right.

It's always been like this with First-Born Son. When we brought him to the beach as a baby, we couldn't keep him on our beach blanket. He'd crawl off across the sand to someone else's. Someone with a better blanket, one offering oreos or potato chips.

"Oh, you can leave him here. Please, " people would say when we tried to retrieve him. "We love having him."

That's always been the problem. Everyone loves having him. He's everyone's friend. The life of the party.

So it's not as though I haven't had lots of practice sharing him with the world over the years. Whether I wanted to or not.

But he's so seldom home these days. And even when he's here, he's not really here. His heart is in NYC. With his friends, his work in film school, his beloved GF.

As it should be.

There will always be another beach blanket to crawl off to. One with better chips than we could possibly ever have. I know that.

But it doesn't mean I have to like it.

 

Comments

[Joanie Mack]

I understand perfectly.

My kids are home this summer, and I noticed that, if they're at home, quite often they're in their rooms. It took me a while to understand that if they wanted privacy while they were at school, they'd retreat to their rooms (Tim shared a house, Dani a 2 bedroom suite)

And when they aren't in their rooms,they're off doing other stuff. I rarely see them... only the mess they leave behind.

[Erica@PinesLakeRedhead]

Great, another thing for me to stress about in the coming years.

I guess we intentionally raise our kids to go out and live their own lives. If all they wanted to do was stay home and hang out with us, then we should worry, right?

[SuziCate]

I so feel your heart....the girls family usually wins! Beautiful and bittersweet. At least your girls will be hanging with you...I will be all alone except for the hubs:(

[Mama Badger]

I bet that all changes when he starts his own family and settles down. PB's family didn't see him for 5 years (and I mean didn't see him AT ALL) when he went off to college. He went to see his friends at Thanksgiving and usually worked through Christmas. But the minute we started talking about buying a house? Yeah, I'm less than a 1/2 from my wonderful mother in law. She sees her grandkids multiple times per week.

And even if he doesn't come to you? Go to him! No crumbs on a beach blanket compare to Mom.

[Casey]

Aww, this is so sad! It's sad knowing that with boys, their girlfriend's families will usually win out on visitation. There is hope though, both of my brothers have kids and they will bring them around and dump them on my parents every chance they get. Free babysitting.

Sucks for us though because both of my brother's wives have parents locally that can babysit but my husband's parents both passed away so we have to get in line or pay someone whenever we need a sitter.

Look at me, making this entire post about me. Here's one further... come down and babysit, m'kay?

And you know that you will always be your son's favorite... moms always win there.

[LPC]

I got nothing. I do know that even the most gregarious need their moms sometime:).

[Peg]

I feel your pain. It is def a double edged sword. We want them strong & independant & when they are we feel neglected. :-( #1 came home this weekend & we literally saw them long enough for them to drop their stuff & change, for a few min when they fot home (past midnight)and for breakfast yesterday morning. But I do understand they must feel pulled to visit friends since they don't get home that often.

[Vincent]

RotflmRoyalIrishArseOff. I was thinking that he was on Cape Cod not Hatteras.
BTW, in my family I was described as a street angel and a house devil.

[Sprite's Keeper]

He'll venture back. The other beach blankets have different and exciting things, but YOUR blanket is familiar. It's home.

[Jane]

My sister is going through such a similar thing right now with her visit with me. This is the first time she's visited without 2 of her 3 children. They are 18 and 17 with jobs and summer plans of their own. She's been lamenting about how they haven't called or didn't return her text message and then wonders out loud if they like it better...whereever they are. I've got to get her to read your post! Sending hugs to you and your dear, sweet, longing heart!

[Jill]

Beautifully written.

[Heather]

Awwww, I got nothing but ((((HUGS))) for ya!!

[Tracie]

As a mom of 2 boys, I fear that I will know this all too well. And I'm not going to like it either!

[Gropius]

When I stayed with a host family in Australia after graduating from high school, my parents seems sort of uninterested in those family tales when I returned. I understand it now. My 14 year old will one day enjoy the fruits of a girlfriend's home and family, and of course, the grass is always greener. Nothing seems grander than being accepted in someone else's house where the rules are different and you're still an honored guest! ...And then you grow up, have your own kids and get it.

[Erin]

Oh man. I have this to look forward to? damn

:-) xo

[amanda]

My oldest (nearly 6) tells me i am "the most beautifulest woman in the world." I smile and thank her, shaking me head with wonderment and storing it for the day when she sees me as mom—less than the exciting, flashy people she'll meet.

[TheArdentEpicur]

Great post! My are grown men now...I know the felling:)

[Kimberly]

Oh, that's sweet. You are very lucky to have a son that everyone loves and he is very lucky to have a mom who misses him.

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

I'm glad I'm not the only woman in america who has irrational thoughts. Seriously, sometimes someone just needs to shake me. Thanks for being so honest!

[Gretchen]

This was painful to read. I feel sure this is my future! I guess we're both lucky to have boys that everybody enjoys having around.

[Libby]

This is why I plan to stunt Meg's growth...

[BigLittleWolf]

I understand this, so well. My ex moved on with his new life quite quickly, and the manner in which he did... let's just say, has not been optimal.

When my kids have moments with him and his extended family, I can only imagine how it feels, and I imagine it feels good, and is perhaps preferred to the "oneness" that is me - and only me.

What I wanted was a large, close-knit family, and I want them happy. They will have what I wanted for them. Still, it's bittersweet to be left, and left out, even knowing they are happy, and moving forward with their lives.

[Kate]

I'm seeing my future with Finn. Any tips on scaring off significant others? Even before I moved out my mom bought me a mug that says it all "home is where your mom is." As kids we may wander far and wide, but we'll never feel like we're home unless we're with our mom's. At least that's how I feel and I'm sure your son does as well.

[Corinne]

What a sweet picture!
And man... this tugs at my heart. Right now my little ones are not terribly fond of other people, but I don't think that will last forever. There will be other blankets to check out, chips to munch on.
And though it's inevitable, like you said, it doesn't mean you have to like it.

[lisleman]

how well have you hit it off with his GF?
She could be a deciding factor here.
Does he read the blog? You should email him the link.

[Jessica]

If Phoebe turns out to be that way, I'm really screwed. I have no back up

[Twenty Four At Heart]

That's the thing about boys .....
It sucks. : (

[Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla]

Of course, Maureen, it's all your fault for raising such a great kid! And of course we want to be loved the most, have the greatest family, even while knowing that what we want for our kids the most is to find a girl eventually who feels just right (hopefully attached to a family that feels just right) and settle down.

Maybe he'll bring the kids later for babysitting! :)

[Jan]

Can I relate? Oh, yes - I can. More so with Darling Daughter than Oldest Son. Oldest Son, as independent as he is, still feels that my home is where Mom is. I don't think Darling Daughter has felt that way since she clutched her high school diploma in her itching-for-independence little hand.

She's also the one I worry most about - after all, SHE is the one riding a motor scooter all over Las Vegas. *sigh*

[Nancy]

I loved your story....altough it IS a tad sad.
:-(

But it made me add to my shopping list Oreos and potato chips. Maybe I can keep Boo here a little bit longer with said bribes?

I'm actually lucky.
I'm the Kool-aid mom where all the kids come. So I've nothing to worry about...quite yet. (Both my fingers and my toes are crossed while knocking on wood...)

[Kate]

I remember my early twenties, and how completely absorbed I was in my immediate surroundings. But, as I'm sure YOU remember too, that changes. We need more perspective (and more Mom) once again a few years later.

I say your feelings are totally justified, btw. :-)

[Michelle Murphy Zive]

Why must we be so stoic about letting go? For me, what puts it into perspective is all those parents of children who have medical, mental or drug problems which don't allow them to be normal, to have girlfriends/boyfriends, to move on with their lives. In many ways we are blessed, but you're right we don't have to like it.

[Alyson (New England Living)]

Though I'm far from that stage of motherhood, I feel that I can understand. I know I will have those moments of jealousy too. We are human and it is natural. But I'm sure your son will always and forever love to be on your beach blanket too! Great post!

[TheKitchenWitch]

I got a little bleary, reading this. I could see my future, right there in your words. Ever since she learned to crawl, Miss D. has been heading away from us. And like your son, everyone loves having her.

I love that you called yourself a big fat irrational baby. I'm one, too.

[Stacia]

There's something about Mom's chips and blankets, though. They always taste good and are always the softest. Definitely worth coming back for! =>

On another note, my daughter pointed to something in the gas station parking lot the other day and asked me what it was. A pay phone. A phone. With a cord. Attached to a box. She was in awe.

[Lora]

I love hearing about your son because it seems that my son is so similar and reading about you looking back is sort of like a glimpse into my future and I learn from you what to remember and what to come up with ways of dealing with. Does that make sense? That's a lot of words that really just mean "thank you".

[Patty]

Wow, it makes me realize how much I should be cherishing my time with my kids right now. I know it won't be long before they are off with friends and barely giving me the time of day!

[kathryn]

Sweetie, where have I been?? How did I miss so many of your wonderful posts?

So now you shall suffer the annoyance of that ringing *CHIME!* that is ME....because...well, I can't NOT say SOMETHING.

I'm convinced it's the boys, btw. Hopefully, your girls will find your place the comfortable, BETTER place (that we know it really is). The boys just follow the gfs...like little ducklings.

[starrlife]

Here I am, alone for a night and my little one (10:) will be spending the week with her beloved cousins. When we visit them altogether, I am merely dogmeat- invisible and it hurts so much!

[Tempurpedic beds]

What I wanted was a large, close-knit family, and I want them happy. They will have what I wanted for them. Still, it's bittersweet to be left, and left out, even knowing they are happy