"Ms. Hall"

 

I've never been a "Mrs." I don't have anything against it. It's just not for me.

I didn't change my name when I got married. It didn't feel right. So I admit I feel myself bristle the littlest bit when someone calls me Mrs. So-and-so, whether they use my name or The Ex's.

I guess it's always bothered me somewhat that a woman was supposed to change not only her name, but the manner in which she was addressed, simply because she got married.

And a man? No such change. What's that about?

I have this amazing aunt. She's the one who took us to museums and shows, and bought us the best books and music when my sister and I were kids.

Some time in the early 70's, she started addressing all our correspondence to Ms. Hall instead of Miss Hall.

"What does that mean?" I remember asking my mother.

And she went into an explanation that I recall included something about Women's Lib, Gloria Steinem, and this new solution that grouped all the Mrs and Misses into one category, kind of like the Mr's.  She remarked that many people were sure it wouldn't last.

I don't remember having much of an opinion about it either way at the time. But I think it sort of grew on me. I liked being Ms Hall. And it appears, for the most part, that the Ms thing seems to have stood the test of time.

When I worked at the Vineyard high school out here, none of the kids had any problem with it. In fact, they pretty much called all of their female teachers "Mizz," or Ms, no matter what their prefix was. None of the Mrs seemed upset by this.

Maybe we're just all more laid back these days when it comes to names and labels.

What do you think?

Mrs?... Ms?

How do you want to be addressed?

 

Comments

[Michele]

Ms or Mrs, I don't really have a preference. I live in the south. Every woman is Mizz.

I did take my husband's name. I remember that at the time I had debated whether to or not. I got married right at the cusp of the whole movement of taking their name or not. It just seemed easier than having to explain why my kids names did not match mine. I AM that lazy.

[A Mom on Spin]

I don't really have a preference either, but I do remember the whole inception of the "Ms." title too.

Does that make us ancient?

[The gold digger]

Just don't call me "dude."

[Mama Badger]

I never gave it much thought until LG and his friends could talk. Now I'm Miss Jenn to all of them. I like it. Why does it matter to anyone if I'm married or not (unless I'm hanging out at a bar, in which case I'm thinking they're not going to call me "Mrs." anyway)?

[Jill]

Just Jill, thank you

[SuziCate]

You wouldn't believe the varieties of Miss, Ms., and Mrs. mixed with both first and last names or Mama in front. I even have a young adult friend of one of my sons who calls me "mamadude"...whats up with that one?!

[TheKitchenWitch]

Anything but bitch is okay with me. ;)

[Kingsmom]

As my dad would say, "I don't care what you call me. Just don't call me late for supper!"

;)

[Patty]

I know what you mean about name changes. When I was engaged to my husband, he asked me if I would take his name. I answered, "Of course!" because it never occurred to me not to.

Then, the time came when I had to make good on that promise and boy, did I struggle. I still miss my maiden name, which is very unique and feels more "me" than my married name. It took me over a year to finally change my license and social security card. I never realized how tied to my identity my name was/is.

As for the Miss/Ms/Mrs I don't really know. I guess I just feel weird being called anything but Patty. When I was teaching, my kids all used "Mizz," and since I got married mid-year (my first year teaching), many of my students stuck with my maiden name, which was just fine by me!

[Casey]

Meh, I don't really care either way. The whole taking your husband's name thing is a bit silly but I couldn't wait to do it when I got married. Not because I wanted his name but I grew up with the last name of my biological father who was an alcoholic asshole who beat my mom and I was always disgusted to have his name. Most of my friends kept their names when they got married though....

[Kate]

I was just talking to my co-workers who are about to be married about this. As a feminist I support whatever the woman wants. I believe same as goes for working or stay-at-home mom's. It's not about right or wrong, but rather having the respect for the choice.

I wrote about this for my husband's birthday (so it won't post until sept. 4). I struggled with the decision to take Josh's name because my last name bound me to my mom and sister who were my whole life. In the end I took his last name and prefer to be called "Mrs" but it makes me no less of a Majerus or feminist and I respect the right of my fellow teachers to be called Miss, Ms, or Mrs. I believe it's about offering the same respect as pronouncing the kids names correctly.

[Kate]

If it's anyone besides my kids, I prefer to be called Kate.

[Erica@PinesLakeRedhead]

Oh! I didn't want to change my name when I got married the first time. My ex's last name was awful! But we were in the military and all dependents had to have the same last name as the soldier. Talk about archaic. I couldn't wait to change back to my maiden name after the divorce. The kids were upset but I explained to them that it was the name I was born with.

When Scott and I got married I chose to take his last name because it's really easy and everyone can pronounce and spell it unlike my maiden name. I moved my maiden name to my middle name and it all flows. The kids were excited when Scott adopted them and we all got the same last name. A very special day in our house.

As for the Ms., I use that a my default in all of my correspondence especially business. I can't stand it when my MIL or Scott's aunt address stuff TO ME as Mrs. Scott...
ARGH!

[Joanie Mack]

Just call me Joan or Joanie. :)

I was Mrs. Poletti for a lot of years. Before I filed for divorce, my youngest and I were going out somewhere and there were kids in the yard. One said, Hi Dani! then Hi Mrs.... I don't know your name. Dani called over, "It's Mack." Right then and there I decided to go back to my maiden name. The ex was surprised. (oh well... even his trophy wife doesn't use Poletti)

Whenever John had to be in the hospital, and the nurses had to call me into the room, they would say, "Mrs. Russo?" I'd always answer yes!

Sometimes I feel a little schizophrenic!

[lisleman]

For a few years I was addresses as Lieutenant and if I had stayed on I would have been Captain. You might think this has nothing to do with your post but it does. Just like Doctor the title was used for both men and women. Apparently the correct way to use Mrs. is to also use the man's first and last name. That's a little overkill. I imagine Mrs. will fade away with time. Regarding the name change - it is a cultural thing and it seems to work for descendants. But women should use both and decide based on the situation. You might be in a situation were "hey babe" would sound good.

[Kimberly]

Hmmm, good question! When I started teaching, when I was way younger, I went by Miss. I still do, just because that's what I'm used to and that's what all my signs and letters say, but now that I'm 36 (and still unmarried) I wonder if that's lame.

[Michelle Murphy Zive]

In the '70s when the Ms label came out, my aunt was married to a short Italian man who was full of tradition and machismo. My aunt bought a shirt with Ms on it. She claimed it stood for Michelle Savoya (her married name). Even at twelve, I knew she was pulling one over on her husband. My favorite title is Dr. since I work as faculty at a university and I didn't have to go to school for it.

[PD]

I was giving blood a couple of years ago and while filling out the paperwork I did not check either the "Miss" or "Mrs." box (there was no "Ms." option.) When the nurse went over the form with me she stopped there and asked which one I was. "Neither." I said, and told her I did not change my name when I got married. "Is that legal?" she asked. This was not that long ago!

When I got married, none of my friends with careers outside the home changed their names and my stay-at-home friends all changed. Now I see younger professional women starting to change names again. Wonder why. I guess maybe the trail has been blazed and they were not around for that battle. Or they are going back to old tradition. Who knows? But mommy having a different name has never bothered or confused my son one bit.

[BigLittleWolf]

Ah, that whole "Mrs" thing. Never liked it. Never fit. I would just insist people use my first name (OK in some parts of the country, and not so much, in others.)

[subWOW]

I call everybody Ms. , even my 7 year old niece. :-) I would prefer to be called Ms myself. At our kids' school though, almost all the teachers are Mrs. Actually, I have not come across any woman who is NOT a Mrs. Isn't that weird? In our neighborhood, the kids are starting to call everybody Mrs. Last Name also. I do not correct them. When I want to give somebody a smack down, I ask them to call me Dr. (Hey, that's pretty much what I get out of those five years, may as well take advantage of it, right?!)

[Gretchen]

I have always gone by my maiden name, because when I got married I already had a career, and that's how people knew me. My married name is printed on our checks as an AKA, for when the inlaws write us the occasional Christmas check, and always use my married name. But since Jude has been in Catholic school, I have suddenly become Mrs. Which sort of freaked me out at first, but I've come to like it. It's less confusing for the little kids that I have the same last name as Jude. I'm actually surprised by how little it bothers me. I always considered myself far more liberated!

[Dreamfarmgirl]

I prefer Ms. to Mrs. But I don't mind Mrs. followed by my name nearly so much as Mrs. followed by my husband's name. that just erks me to no end! I am not chattel.

I did change my name to my husband's in both marriages, which might partly be because I live in the South where keeping one's own name is less common, and also that my maiden name (another poor expression) was constantly mispronounced as an undesirable name to be called. Sometimes I regret it, but mostly I like that my husband and I have the same name regardless of whose it is. I read an expose once that since your birth last name is your father's, what difference does it make if you instead choose your husband's? food for thought, anyway.

[TC]

I hate to admit it but I was always confused about the widow thing? My mom said widows were addressed by their name and their husbands last name but if your husband was alive you were Mrs. Joe Blow instead of Mrs. Jane Blow. So when the Ms. thing came along I said whooo hoo, I am a Ms from now on.
Of course when we were in the south I was Miss Tresa and that made me happy.

[Heather]

I don't think I have ever been address by either. I'm sure if I had, it would have stuck in my mind. I get called Ma'am alot and throughly hate it. My mom is a Ma'am, not me..surely I can't be old enough for that! Well at least that is what I tell myself.

I don't put a proper address to my name. My first name and then my married last name is all there is to me.

[Pseudo]

I like Ms. I had a hard time giving up my maiden name and it is now my middle name. But the Mrs, too much.

[Vincent]

Sir, would do and if you really wanted, My Lord. And if you wanted to be a profound lick, Oh Supreme and Glorious Leader in the style of the King of Siam.
But I'm Irish and native Irish to boot. So anyone Sir-ing will be seen as insulting me by mistaking me for being English and would very probably have their lights punched out.
As Gaeilge, the first name is the important one. Yours, Maureen would be followed when a child by 'ni' daughter of. And when married with Maureen, Ban McGrath. Where the 'Ban' woman of, does not have the ownership connotation of Miss Mrs or even Ms. And much more a statement of fact, and sometimes geography.

[Lynn]

I took my husband's name, and it was a really hard decision, because I really liked my maiden name! But I was too lazy to want to have to explain to my kids and everyone else why my name was different, and I didn't want to mess up anyone's geneological efforts generations down the road! LOL. I really don't care how I'm addressed, but do remember how strange it felt to be called Mrs Rutz for the first time. I've gotten used to it, though.

[Twenty Four At Heart]

I don't care. I do wish I had kept my maiden name however. I LIKED it, and I don't like my husband's (and now my) last name. I gave in to pressure that it would cause mass confusions if we had different last names when we had kids.

[jessica]

just don't call me "ma'am" and I will be ok. I'm sorry I ever took my ex's name, for obvious reasons. It's hard to even say my daughter's last name as it is his. When is that shit going to end? Huh, Why do kids have 2take the dad's last name too?

[Jan]

I'm a product of the South - everyone is a "Miss" or "Mizz" there, regardless of marital status. However, I could not WAIT to shed my birth name when I married (try being burdened with the last name "Smoot" during the school years) and took my husband's name eagerly.

And I kept it after my divorce, although I was quick to correct anyone who addressed me as "Mrs" - "It's MS. B****" I'd say. These days, I have no problem with being called "Missus", although it still feels odd, even after almost 3 years of marriage (I was divorced for nearly 14 years).

[Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings]

I like Miss. It makes me feel younger. :-) Then again, as Jan says above me, in the South, everyone is called Miss...such as Miss Lisa, Miss Carolyn, yadda, yadda. Whether you're old or young. I kind of think it sounds nice though and my mom is from North Carolina..maybe that is why I like "miss". Mrs. makes me think of some old school teacher or something. :-)

[Sprite's Keeper]

I don't really mind either, but I understand the issues. I used to wonder about it as well.

[Jane]

It doesn't really bother me one way or the other. What I found interesting about your post was your mom's comment that that many thought "Ms." wouldn't stick. And stick it has. Interesting.

[Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)]

I've always check-marked the 'Ms' box for some reason...sometimes I wish I had kept my maiden name - 'Swenson' seems a lot more glamorous than boring old 'Johnson'. And it would have been a huge mouthful had I hyphenated it... 'Swenson-Johnson' would have been too much. ;)

[Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla]

I'm a Ms, absolutely and positively, and regardless of the fact that I've been married nearly 18 years. I've been married so long, in fact, that when I got married the really old fashioned members of my husband's family would write letters to me and "Mrs. Howard Pressman, which floored me, because even if I took his last name I wasn't taking his first name!

I will say that it's one of my great pet peeves now, in the year 2010, that my daughter's school, a Liberal Jewish place, lists all the teachers as Mrs or Miss, and the same with my son's high school, a very sophisticated place. Why is the world entitled to know our marital status? Why do women still take this weird kind of pride in being Mrs'? (however you pluralize that?) Ms is not supposed to be the new word for "Miss" right?

Thanks for bringing up a topic near and dear to my heart, Maureen!

[kathryn]

Well, since I'm not a Mrs-Anyone, I'd prefer the Ms. Actually, I'd LOVE to go back to my maiden name, if not for the fact that I'd have a different last name than the boys. I want that connection to them...but don't want it with my ex. I wish there was a way to have it both ways but I'm guessing the only way would be for the boys to change their names to a hyphenated version...and I don't see that happening any time soon.

[Terry Castle]

I'm back and I've missed you. I just wrote a post and don't even have time to check for errors. I can't wait to catch up.

Come to NYC this weekend and meet me at the Film Forum. They are doing a retrospective of Dad's films.

Tell your son to come...I would love to meet him.

Kisses...I've really missed this.

[Lora]

I did change my last name when I got married, but I also began to include my middle name with everything. My maiden name is Arrowsmith, and I didn't want to hyphenate so I now go by Lora Neely M____i (I try to stay ungooglable in the blog world!).

But don't ever EVER call me Mrs.

I've been a Ms. since graduating college and I didn't change my prefix when I got married.

[~The South Dakota Cowgirl~]

the Mrs title makes me feel so old. My riding lesson students always called me Ms. Jennifer. And that was just fine with me!

[faemom]

I didn't change my name when I got married, and I grew up with a mother who sighed over loosing her maiden name. So I'm a pure Ms. Except my mom and I argue of formal written invitations and thank you cards. She's all about Mrs. John Doe, and I write Ms. Doe because changing one name is enough. Though now that my eldest is in school, I have to get use to Mrs. Husband's Name. It's weird.

[Affordable Insurance]

You wouldn't believe the varieties of Miss, Ms., and Mrs. mixed with both first and last names or Mama in front. I even have a young adult friend of one of my sons who calls me "mamadude"...whats up with that one?!