"Like You Breathe"
Lie is such a harsh, cringe-inducing word. When my ex and I went through the long process of unraveling our marriage, I wrote a lot of poetry. It was a great way to get out the pain, sadness, and anger. I always told him I was going to put the poems together into a book and title it "You Lie Like You Breathe."
Because he did. Lied without thinking or planning, and certainly without purpose. As though it was just something his brain and body did for him. Like blinking. Or breathing.
I never understood it. Why lie about something when you know you'll be found out? Why lie about incidental bullshit? Really, and more to the point, why lie? It was almost as if he couldn't stop himself, as if it was beyond his control.
Truth is important to me. "You'll never get in real trouble from me if you tell the truth." I repeated this to my children all the time when they were young. But that didn't stop my son.
He lied as a preschooler. No, really, he swore, he didn't make the baby cry or mess up his toys, when clearly he had. I didn't think too much of it till he was older and started lying frequently about schoolwork. He'd tell me his homework was done when it wasn't, or that he didn't have any when he did. He'd swear he hadn't gotten his grade back yet on a test when he had, or that there was no test that week when there was.
Eventually he was always found out. Again, I didn't get it. Was the momentary reprieve that lying resulted in worth the mess he inevitably had to deal with when his teachers and I made contact, or the report card arrived in the mail.
He didn't lie about too much else. It was more like a matter of convenience, a way to delay my finding out things that were going to mess up his plans to play video games after dinner, instead of studying. He seemed sincerely upset and contrite when he was caught, but it kept happening, and over time I didn't know what to believe.
I started to seriously consider that this lying might be genetic, or at least have a genetic component. It might sound crazy, but scientific studies have suggested over the years that many aspects of personality, such as temperament, for example, and shyness, are probably gene-related, .
Doesn't it make sense then, that lying might be as well? I see it almost like a genetic addiction, akin to being susceptible to drugs or alcohol.
First-Born Son and I have talked about this over the years. He remembers lying to his friends as a kid about completely random and ridiculous things, and for no apparent reason. Almost like a compulsion. He has no idea why.
These days, he seems to have it much better controlled. To his credit, he sees it for the weakness it is, and appears dedicated to battling the impulse. He understands that even if some study proved lying was genetic, that would not be an excuse to give in to the behavior.
At least, that's what he says. I think I believe him, but I realize by now that he is so good at it he can even fool himself.
And that's the real problem, isn't it? Lying eats away at trust. At its worst, it is capable of destroying relationships.
What do you think? Did you ever find yourself lying for no reason? Do you have a spouse, a parent, or a child who who seems to do it without thinking?
Maybe, like my ex, there are a lot of people who "lie like they breathe." Maybe they truly don't know how to stop themselves. But that doesn't make it okay.
Because he did. Lied without thinking or planning, and certainly without purpose. As though it was just something his brain and body did for him. Like blinking. Or breathing.
I never understood it. Why lie about something when you know you'll be found out? Why lie about incidental bullshit? Really, and more to the point, why lie? It was almost as if he couldn't stop himself, as if it was beyond his control.
Truth is important to me. "You'll never get in real trouble from me if you tell the truth." I repeated this to my children all the time when they were young. But that didn't stop my son.
He lied as a preschooler. No, really, he swore, he didn't make the baby cry or mess up his toys, when clearly he had. I didn't think too much of it till he was older and started lying frequently about schoolwork. He'd tell me his homework was done when it wasn't, or that he didn't have any when he did. He'd swear he hadn't gotten his grade back yet on a test when he had, or that there was no test that week when there was.
Eventually he was always found out. Again, I didn't get it. Was the momentary reprieve that lying resulted in worth the mess he inevitably had to deal with when his teachers and I made contact, or the report card arrived in the mail.
He didn't lie about too much else. It was more like a matter of convenience, a way to delay my finding out things that were going to mess up his plans to play video games after dinner, instead of studying. He seemed sincerely upset and contrite when he was caught, but it kept happening, and over time I didn't know what to believe.
I started to seriously consider that this lying might be genetic, or at least have a genetic component. It might sound crazy, but scientific studies have suggested over the years that many aspects of personality, such as temperament, for example, and shyness, are probably gene-related, .
Doesn't it make sense then, that lying might be as well? I see it almost like a genetic addiction, akin to being susceptible to drugs or alcohol.
First-Born Son and I have talked about this over the years. He remembers lying to his friends as a kid about completely random and ridiculous things, and for no apparent reason. Almost like a compulsion. He has no idea why.
These days, he seems to have it much better controlled. To his credit, he sees it for the weakness it is, and appears dedicated to battling the impulse. He understands that even if some study proved lying was genetic, that would not be an excuse to give in to the behavior.
At least, that's what he says. I think I believe him, but I realize by now that he is so good at it he can even fool himself.
And that's the real problem, isn't it? Lying eats away at trust. At its worst, it is capable of destroying relationships.
What do you think? Did you ever find yourself lying for no reason? Do you have a spouse, a parent, or a child who who seems to do it without thinking?
Maybe, like my ex, there are a lot of people who "lie like they breathe." Maybe they truly don't know how to stop themselves. But that doesn't make it okay.
